Monthly Archives: January 2014

Dear CB, My Biggest Regret In Life

Dear CB,

We haven’t seen each other in a long time. When we finally did bump in to each other, I was in shock, I was unstable. I was scared and was shaking in fear.

Life for me at the moment is going good. So when you popped back up, it made me remember. I do have regrets in life. Life was teasing me, shaking something in front of my face, telling me that I had missed opportunities.

You are the biggest regret in my life. I regretted not ever knowing what your favorite color is. Who your role models are, what your dreams and goals are in life. I regret not knowing who your favorite actress and singer is so that I could get jealous over it.

Back in my school years, I did not have the best of knowledge about boys. I thought I did, but I didn’t. In my younger days, I was traumatized from experiences I had with boys. I was teased by boys since elementary. Ever since then, I never knew if boys were teasing me or trying to give me hints.

I believe that you changed everything for me. It was from you that I opened up my eyes and realized that people might actually like me. The first boy to learn how to say ‘I love you’ in my native language. The first boy to offer me anything from the dollar menu from McDonalds. The first boy to flirt with me.

But I was so stupid. My choices made without thought. I was so caught up in the actions around me. Believing that I may end up like everyone else. So I gave you a bullshit answer on why we couldn’t go out. It was the biggest regret of my life.

I know better now. Even though I am scared to get hurt, the hurt would be worth it for all the beautiful memories. In the end, I should never compare my life to others. I am my own person, who can do things to change an outcome if I wish. I wish I could have the courage to find you and tell you this, but I may just be another girl to you now…

There is nothing else but wishes of happiness for you. I hope you find the one who will give you everything you could ever expect. I hope you have the best of your life, because after everything I put you through, you deserve it.

Sincerely, LY

 

Depression Hurts.. Something I Wrote Back in March 2013

03.03.13

I didn’t think I was still depressed, but it seems like it is still here. This has been following me around for a year and a half now. It has been a year now that I have gotten a bit better but now, all of sudden, I am in the schedule I was before. Wake up, stay in bed, get ready in bed, try to eat something in bed, take a shower, go to work, come back, stay in my room, on the computer in bed, sleep (or try to at least), wake up and go back to work. I either stay hidden from the world or am at work. I talk to no one but to the people who I have to at work. I even stay hidden from my family.

At first it was because I didn’t want my family to know, and I was ashamed. But this time around, they are starting to become the reason for my depression.

Every time I see someone it is always, “Lucy, do this.” “Lucy, do that.” “Lucy, give me that.” “Lucy, I want this.” “Lucy, why are you not good enough!”

There is always a demand, a want, a need. So I give it all, and I try my best at it too, because I hate not giving it my all. I receive nothing or little in return, which is fine with me. I love quotes and one of them is “to give more than you receive”.

Yet there is a time when you get sick of it, and I am sick of it. For the last two years, I have lost all my time, and not only time, but also money. I have nothing to show for the last two years of work. Only have I started to save this year and still there is not much.

I was supposed to take time away to be a good sister, and to find myself. But being a good sister took all the time, and I’m not even sure I did a good job of that. At first I thought I was doing great. Then it became too much about money, and buying all their needs and wants. I started to become their mother. Driving them where they wanted and needed to be. Taking in all the whines and giving in to what they wanted.

When all I want is to live a normal life, they are expecting so much out of me. Why is it so bad to just live a normal life? Does having a diploma from college have to be considered normal?

I’ve even distanced myself from my extended family. As much as they are all great, sometimes they get on my nerves so bad. Sadly they are the reason to me going into depression. Right now, I am not in contact with any of them, and I am actually okay with it.

They also had expectations out of me. All my older sisters are married, and my older brother has a severe case of ADHD, so I was left the oldest. My dad being the oldest too, I had a lot of responsibilities that I was not ready for at the young age of 18/19. Yet I took them all. I had to grow up fast and my rebellion age was taken away from me. I grew up and at times I practically ran the house when my mom was not in her right state of mind.

With this depression running around, it didn’t help that I was single for so long too. I started to see myself as never going to find that special someone. I’ve had “boyfriends” but I was young and still experimenting on what I expected in a boyfriend. Those two “boyfriends” ended in a month or a little over a month. Looks never was a big factor to me. But their personality and life style threw me off.

I sit here in my room, staring at Korean boys, waiting for a boy to come to me and sweep me off my feet. I realize that it doesn’t do me any good and that I should be out there, but I still don’t much about it.

Why? Because I saw how my parents reacted with my other sisters boyfriends. And as much as I want to believe that if a boy loved me enough, he would put up with it and stay, I actually don’t want to put someone I love through that, unless I was serious about him or trying to scare him off.

So I’m waiting until I move out, but I have to wonder if that is going to make a big difference at all. I have these day dreams where I am living away from home and I go out and out of nowhere I have a boyfriend, but will it be that easy?

The topic of moving out comes out. I have been trying to do so since I graduated high school, but it hasn’t happened yet. Because I have no money, it has been donated to the needy sisters/family. I am trying and hoping to move out this year, but it keeps being delayed month by month. I want to wait for the snow to end, but it is March already and there is supposed to be a snow storm tonight! Then in April my parents are going out of the country for the whole month. So now I have to wait for May.

I guess it doesn’t help when I fall in love with all the wrong people. Sorry for the random tangent…

Growing up, I see things around me and I learn from it and remember them for a long time. I saw such independent ladies when they were single. Yet when they got with a guy, their level of insecurity shot down and they changed.

I’ve been independent for all my life. So when people actually start caring… I am confused as what to do. How do I explain myself for them to understand? When I don’t even understand myself?

My past makes me, but my future molds me. I am me because of my past. I distance myself in fear of what people will think. I walk through a crowd of people with a cold stone face because I don’t care what they think.

Who am I? What makes me, ME!? When I was younger, all the older ladies would praise my looks. I have nothing to prove though, being single for all my life. Should a man prove my beauty though? Can’t I be beautiful and independent?

I am never happy? Or where did my happiness go? Or maybe it is because that happiness was never there in the first place. Is it wrong that I am tired of being happy? Tired of pleasing people with an image of what people want to see.

Don’t miss judge though, because I am not depressed, sad, mad, or even angry. In fact I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I am socially awkward. Even I admit it. But do I have to go and explain myself to everyone? Do I have to shout to the world that the words are there, but they are a jumbled mess, because I have three to four different things going on in my mind at once?

My College Essay a.k.a Realizing My Dreams

The truth is that I want to be a writer. I have great PASSION for it. But for the longest time I was in great denial about it.

In high school there was a big career decision that everyone had to make and my parents set the goal high. So it put me in confusion. I put myself in general studies for the longest of time with no idea on where to go in life. At the current moment I am just stuck in my studies aka not going to school at the moment.

But at the beginning of this year, I thought about myself a lot. Who I am and what I loved, I even thought about my past, my present and future. The outcome of it was that I wanted to write, or should I say continue writing.

During high school, I spent a lot of time writing. Journals and plots for stories were half of what I wrote throughout the whole day. Right after high school though, I was in a slump. I could not even pick up a pencil or look at a piece of paper. I thought I was suffering from writer’s block. Though I did look up writer’s block and found out that what I was going through wasn’t writer’s block. It was the great denial of wanting to write as a career, and having to do better than a writer.

The pressure of doing better was always there. But in the back of my mind, there was writing. All my stories that I wanted to come to life. A world was building in my mind and it was screaming to come alive.

I had asked myself constantly about what I wanted to do. There were days when it was all I thought about, it got to the point where I was even dreaming about it.

The one dream that will always stick with me, as if I had it last night, happened on a pathway. On each side of this pathway were doors. There was this famous Asian singer there, and he was acting as a dream guide. I meet up with him and he questioned my career path. He took me into this pathway and opened up a door. I was in shock to be honest, because there on the floor was a pile of books.

For the longest time when I thought about goals, I kept thinking about publishing a book. That is what I dream of. Publishing a book of mine is my dream goal. No other idea’s pop into my mind when I think of goals. Every time it is to publish a book.

Why? It is not only that I love to write. I love to read. When I was introduced to books, I was an ecstatic elementary child. I could not wait to line up to go to the library to choose a new book to read. The fact that I could borrow books to read amazed me.

I read every chance I could. I remember the pride I had when my family went to the public library and I could point out all the books I had read so far.

There are memories of wanting to keep reading to find out the progression of a character and the story plot, and it kept me up throughout the night until I could not open my eyes anymore. The excitement when the hero wins, or the sadness that engulfed me when a character passed away, there was also the hatred of evil characters. The climax of story that made me squealing or screaming, sitting at the edge of my chair, too scared to keep reading, and the curiosity that kept me reading. I loved it all.

I loved it so much and it made me that much happier. Every time I finished a book, I would sit there and hug the book, and just take a moment of silence. Thinking of all the great times I had with the book. I felt fulfilled.

That was what I wanted to do. Give that great feeling to some child/teenager who loves reading as much as I do. I wanted to give a fantasy to a reader who wanted to go on adventures, the reader who relied on books to get through the day. I wanted to give a way of escape to readers who needed it.

Writing is what I want to do. I have great passion for it. I have to go through steep mountains and deep rivers for it to happen, but I will climb and learn how to swim if I have to.

Finally, I want to go back to school, for a creative writing degree. I am done with fulfilling others dreams. I want to run and catch mine.