Monthly Archives: February 2014

Friendship

I seriously don’t think I deserve friends. I am horrible at making them and even more horrible at keeping them. I am such the awkward turtle that no one even wants to come near me or even bother to talk to me. Surely people cringe at the thought of bringing me into a conversation.

I’m not sure if I was always this way or life messed me up that bad. Back in elementary I remember having friends, and was still shy, but I had friends who I talked to. When I moved, I was shy. But the new girl at school is always shy, right?

There must be something wrong with me. Trying to keep a friendship alive is hard for me. I think since I lost all my childhood friends in the move, I continued to believe that if I moved than that friendship comes to an end too.

I had a friend in the first elementary I went to in Wisconsin. It didn’t last long though, since my family moved house and I was being transferred to another school. We would write letters to each other, but that soon stopped.

Another friend I made during middle school was lost during the transition to high school. I’m not sure if our group of friends were just going in different directions or what, but we moved on from each other. The summer before school started, I was getting more into my culture and my own race. It made me change.

So am I the reason for such a shitty relationship with people. I know I am. While the others tried, I pulled away. There is something wrong with me.

Sad reality is that I am a horrible person. While I don’t trust others, it should be the other way around, others should not trust me. I suck at being a decent human being.

 

Finding Chemistry in Chemistry Class

I have a story to tell. It was the first time I ever regretted rejecting someone. The first time I realized that I really did like the boy who asked me out. The first time I found out the true meaning of you never realize what you have till it is gone.

It was my junior year in high school and I had taken Chemistry. In that class, we had assigned seats, and it changed every so and then. I kept on having the same person to sit by. Some random boy who was loud and annoying.

Finally, it was the third time we switched seats, and I finally got someone new. This boy who was in my class. I never really paid him much attention. He was just like every other boy. Well that was the case till we started talking and I started to notice him more often.

We talked, we flirted. He wanted more. He wanted to go out on a date. So he asked me out one day. That was before he told me that he loved me in my own language.

Maybe if I wasn’t contemplating his motives. Maybe if I didn’t go through all those teasing in the past. Maybe I would have taken him more serious and maybe I would of never regretted saying no.

He had actually taken the time and asked someone how to say “I love you” in a different language. At first I wondered what he was saying, the accent was off, but when I figured it out. I didn’t know how to respond.

He asked me out to McDonalds. He let me choose anything from the dollar menu. But I still said no. It was not the best of time. My eldest sister was having troubles with going out with her boyfriend who was a different race. My parents gave her a hard time. I had to see everything and I did not want to go through the same things.

I gave him that story. But did I regret it soon after. I regretted every single day after.

He soon left the class. I was left wondering what to do with myself.

It was probably half a year to a full year later that I saw him again. My friends and I decided to go ice skating. To my surprise, he was there too. We didn’t talk to each other though. But I could tell that he was not over the situation. I wasn’t either, but I guess I hid it better.

While I played around with my friends, he skated at full speed and even fell. I wondered if he still had some grudge against what had happened between us.

Today I regretted my actions the most. I have worked my job for 4 years, and never had I seen the boy who haunted my dreams. I wondered how it would be if he walked into shop one day. I would have never guessed the day to be today.

I walked into work, thinking it was gonna be like any other day. But it wasn’t. He was there. Shopping with his friends.

I had a chat with my best friend about this. She told me that I should of at least talked to him. And truthfully, I should have. By the time I had clocked in for the day and got back on the floor, he was checking out and gone already.

I am never going to get the chance again. I will probably never see him again for a long time. I am going to continue living my life full of regrets..