There must be something wrong with me. I can’t read about love the same way I did when I was younger. When I was younger I believed the impossible, and now that I’ve aged I still want to believe it, but I find it to be foolish.

I’m currently reading ‘Eleanor and Park’, by Rainbow Rowell. The book mentions how the kids are learning about ‘Romeo and Juliet’ in class. Ever since then, I can’t help but see Eleanor and Park’s love story as another ‘Romeo and Juliet’.

They are starting to fall in love. Such young love.

Was it because my lack of love lines that made me become immune to love stories?

Did I not get enough love when I was younger that I have become ill when love is mentioned?

First love can be such a strong phrase.

I did enjoy ‘The Fault in our Stars’ by John Green. But I don’t think it was the love story that pulled me in. It was the truth in the story of having cancer and overcoming it to have a normal life.

Love does not make me cry the same way it did in the past. Romance does not make me cry like it used to. There is no bubbly excitement anymore..

Maybe it is because I don’t believe in easy love. Is it really that easy to fall in love?

I rather believe in the love were two individuals find themselves love in the random people and fight for that love.

I want them to question that love. And beyond all the reasons against them, for them to still love each other.

I want big arguments that pull out all the hidden feelings. I want little moments of cuddles and light kisses. I want handholding and quiet walks. I want to be held and assured of the others feelings.

Writing love stories is really hard for me. To overcome this I’m going to have to dig deep.

I am starting to see the irony in this writing. Eleanor and Park is what I want in love. Two random people finding love in each other. Now I just have to keep reading to see how they keep that love.

I am extremely jealous of those who can find love. I see people in love with a deep friendship and I want that for myself.

With love, I am a big contradiction. I love ‘love’, and I want to find love. At times I will wish for love desperately. But most of the time I cannot stand it. I want nothing to do with love and I know I will spend the rest of my life alone. I can never choose and at times mention both wanting love and wanting nobody in the same sentence.

It is like now where I sit at school. With an r&b song blasting at one side and a soulful ballad coming across from the other side. I’m here stuck in the middle, indecisive of which song I like more.

So should I open myself up to the kind of love I want or should I stay in my shell of never falling in love?

I don’t know…

Maybe it is all the stories I see around me. All the relationships around me are not perfect but they work. There are times when I see the good in love and times when I see the bad.

Maybe I should stop worrying about all the relationships around me and worry about me. Who cares what other people see in love. I should worry about how I see love.

I want to see the good in love and I should give myself that right. My yearly goal is to never say negative things. I work hard on that and it really has improved my positivity in life. My half-year goal (just made that up right now!) is to fall in love with love again.