Monthly Archives: September 2014

My After Effects Of Depression

I haven’t been able to think straight for a while now. After school ended my goal was to find myself and figure out the reason why I went back to school. I didn’t know it would actually consist of losing myself in the process.

I am lost. Everyday that I don’t work was supposed to be a day full of writing. I wanted to write every moment I could. But I can’t, my heart isn’t in it. I was writing and having thoughts of writing almost everyday when I was in school. Now I can’t even sit down to think about it.

I feel like I am nothing since I have nothing to do everyday. Going to classes was my life for those five months. Now that school is done, I’ve gone back to the girl who has nothing to wake up to anymore.

My reasons for going to school is still the same and the motivation is still the same too. I guess I just added another reason to wanting to go. I want to wake up to something to look forward too. I want to wake up early with a full list of schedules.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m not having nightmares, I’m not staying up to look forward to anything, I just can’t sleep. I lay there and hope to knock out but my mind won’t let me.

I’ve been thinking about my after effects of depression.

For a person who never cared about timing, I started to do things in a timely matter. One of the biggest was leaving for work at a certain time. Small things were doing things at 1, 1:15, 1:30, or 1:45. I don’t know why, but I would always look for a time marker.

I don’t do it as much anymore. I know for a fact that it started when I hit depression stage and I wanted to get rid of that habit. I try to take life as it is and not worry as much as I did anymore.

There was this one time in the past when I thought was over my depression, and this habit hadn’t disappeared yet. I was getting ready for work, and when I went outside to my car, it was gone. I came back inside screaming my head off, wondering where and who took my car. I found out from my sisters that it was my mother and I was angry! It was my time to leave and I had no other way to get to work. It felt like my life was out of my control! I started to cry and bawl my eyes out over this fact.

I cried in front of my sisters. I didn’t even know why I did that in the past. But when I think of it now, I guess it was the fact that I was screaming out to them that I wasn’t fine. I needed help, I needed my sisters to help. But I am the black sheep of the family, and everyone is scared to ask me how I am feeling unless I talk to them first. So life went on. My mother came back and I left later than I did normally for work. I was still angry but I did make it in on time.

The sleeping thing is another side effect of my depression. Like I said, I used to have nightmares. It sucked even more since I remembered them, all of them. They weren’t of monsters or anything like that. The people, who had a cause in my depression, they were ignoring me in my dreams. Even though I wasn’t acting any different, even though I was trying my hardest to get things back to the way it was before, nothing was working. They still ignored me and left me out. And it may sound silly but it really hurt me. Even in my dreams they were still causing me pain.

Ever since I started those dreams I’ve been scared to sleep. I started to sleep later and later every night. I would wait till I was crazy tired, unable to keep my eyes open tired, then finally I would fall asleep.

The last one may be the biggest for me. I can’t help but become a hermit crab again. There is no reason to go out. There is no reason to socialize with other human beings. I feel like even though I try to look more approachable, people just don’t want to talk with me.

I don’t even want a boyfriend at the moment, I just want people to acknowledge that I am alive and worthy of talking to. Make me realize that all human beings aren’t bad, since I’ve lost all hope in men already…

Another thing that has been bothering me is the fact that my memory is horrible. I was the girl who remembered everybodies birthdays and sent out cards ahead of time. I was the girl who people could rely on to have everything. But now I refer to myself has the girl who has a memory of a goldfish. Someone could say something to me and I would forget it in the next three seconds.

And in trying to forget what made my depression happen, I forgot a lot of things that happened around that same time. I even went further back and forgot most of my high school years. People could ask me about things that happened to me back in 09’ and I wouldn’t know.

Except, I would remember random weird things. Like the fact that my parents wanted body pillows and a year later I would buy one for each of them. Or the random little conversations I had that weren’t that important.

I’ve become a different person since then. For better or for worse, I live with it and do my best every day.

Yea I’m weird, I’m random, I’m shy, I’m awkward, I’m an ice princess, I’m boring, I’m strange. I’m a lot of things…


Going Bald…

There was an idea behind this. I don’t know what, but it was there. The Christmas before I turned 21, I put into my phone of how I wanted to shave off my hair. On my 21st birthday. I had seven months to really think about it, but I knew I was dead set on this goal.

Yet, when it came to my 21st birthday, I didn’t do it. I went out and did the normal twenty-one year old scenario.

A year passed, and still the thought of shaving my head was floating around. But, as it turns out, it was not going to be the year.

But this year came about. I knew if I wanted to go bald, this was the last chance I was going to get. I had to do it while I was young, before I regretted not doing it sooner.

I got over my depression, I was on the path to figuring out who I am. I was happy.

I got the courage to finally let my sisters on the in about my goals.

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We came to an agreement of baby steps. And not soon after, I went in to get a pixie cut.

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I was happy, but still, the lingering thoughts of being bald bothered me.

After my hair grew out, we thought again about a new haircut. This time, I wanted to go shorter,

It was the day before my birthday and I wanted to go all the way this time. But I was pulled back by my sister again. We cut it short but not all the way.

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Soon after it was like the world was messing with me. My nephew and niece got to the razors and decided to give themselves a haircut. They had to go bald.

I watched the ending of Legend of Korra, and Jinora fulfilled her wishes of becoming a airmaster, getting the chance to go bald,

I was thinking of Doctor Who and remembered that Matt Smith went bald.

So I messaged my sister again.

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After three months of talking about it, I was finally going to get my wish. My sister was agreeing to help me out in my goal.

And finally, after two plus years, I got to fulfill one of my life goals.

My before:

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And, finally, my after…

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Society tell us girls should have long hair. To be a woman, you have to have a head full of hair. To be pretty and wanted, you have to have a long lock of hair. In my culture, a good girl has long hair.

For me to cut my hair, I am going against all reasons.

There is no beauty on the outside unless there is beauty on the inside.

I love myself regardless of how my hair looks. I will love myself through this experience. ‘Cause I will weed out those who still stick with me even though I look different.

(P.S. I am super happy how it turned out. I love how I look and feel. That’s all that should matter. Run and chase your goals, fight for your happiness.)

 

Take Two: Love

From four months ago, a lot has changed. I definitely have a different out take on love. I have seen the bigger picture to the pros and cons of love. That means, even though I have many good thoughts on love now, I still have and gained more insight on how hard love can be.

Each person is different, making each relationship different. There is no comparison with each other. As there is free will in the world, people have different expectations of others and situations.

I have read many books and have seen many films. I have allowed myself to have a crush, which may seem weird but I’ve avoided affections for another person for a long time now.

I can honestly say that the thought of love is in a good place for me. In my prior writing, I did not see it possible for me to find someone worthy of love. But now I am willing to give it a chance.

As I’ve said to myself in the past, even though I am happy being single, if the chance comes by of being in a relationship I wouldn’t pass it up.

Love, it is a four letter word, but it needs more than one lifetime to explain the meaning behind the word.

And although it is difficult to be in love at times, that is the chances a person has got to make when being in love.

In my first writing about love, I mentioned “Eleanor and Park” by Rainbow Rowell. I finished the book with good thoughts on their relationship.

Since then, I’ve come to accept love stories better.

There is an Asian drama, called “Fated To Love You”. A very comedic, romantic and life changing drama. During this drama, I found myself to cry for the first time in a long time. I knew it was going to happen but I didn’t know how much it would effect me.

Never has crying made my eyes hurt in the past. But the morning after, I couldn’t even open my eyes right.

I’ve only started to open up to the possibilities of love. And it may take a while for the whole concept of love to make sense to me, but I am willing to keep going.

First love and love at first sight is still a topic I still have to think about.

Society has fantasied first love to the point of falling in love a second time or third time has become incoherent to others. Love at first sight is such a dream, young people want it for themselves.

But enough of this. I am happy for myself. I have grown up in ways I never thought of doing.

I still may never understand why people give each other such cheesy nicknames, but I can understand why people fight for love and why it’s such a big life change.

 

Update: Summer is Over and School Has Started!

Wow, I had so much more planned for this. My mind definitely works better at night. I was going to go on and on about how my summer went and how school is starting soon.

I can’t believe how fast everything went this year. I was hoping for more. But like always, I’m sucked into doing so much more for others and not enough for me. I need to save up for next summer. I want to do something fun for myself. I say this but it may not even happen. I need to get these next three and a half years done first.

I think the excited thing about college is the classes I am going to take. I cannot wait to learn everything I’m going for.

So I am scared and worried that I maybe going back for no reason. I’m scared that I am wasting money and time on school. But I know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be confident about my life choices.

I want to be a writer, I want to be an editor, I want to start a publishing company, and I want to start a cafe with books in it!

My English major is important to me. Going for business is important, going for philosophy and psychology is important. I want all of this. But summer makes me forget everything.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. It was so hard. With work in the middle of the day, I couldn’t think of writing in the mornings before work and writing after work. I was making excuses of having to get ready, and needing to wind down from all the customers I had to deal with in that day.

But since school has started, I can feel the motivation come back. My progress of writing may still be slow but it will be more frequent than this summer. Trying to juggle work and school is hard, but writing is such a big passion for me. I’m not going to let go of it just like that.

Even if I feel like a lot of people don’t get my goals of wanting to be a writer, I want to show them that I can have this dream and get to the finish line.