back home and nothing feels real. it’s a thing i go through. is there a word for this? it’s like after repetition everyday and then going through some crazy adventure, you miss the adventure and the everyday lifestyle is not enough.

the trip was good though. i guess i have been craving to be feeling like a part of something. i have never truly felt American and i have never truly felt Hmong, because i am both. and it was good to be part of that Hmong community again.

when i was young i was disappointed in my people and wanted nothing to do with them, but when i mentally grew up, i realized that i could never throw it away. even if i can never be wholly part of the Hmong community, i can at least fit in the way i want to.

also, i have known for a long time that there are going to be people who are negative about everything. they can’t help but put in their thoughts. in the past i would let them get away with it. if they want to continue with their thoughts, go right ahead, i can’t do anything about it.

but i have changed again. if they have a right to their thoughts, i also have a right to my thoughts. and i have a right to put them down if i have to, no matter who they are.

i hold grudges, i hold them for a long time. even if you don’t remember, i will. i will let you get away with things the first time and if it is only about me. but if you decide to attack me again and it is about someone who i support or love, then it is your fault for not being able to just stay silent and support me.

so yes, i can hold back, but don’t taunt me or i will be angered. also don’t make assumptions about people you don’t even know.