A Sad Sunday Story

Sad Sunday Story…!

For the holiday season we always get seasonal people. We rarely ever get men on the floor with us, and this year there was a new guy. Up to this point in my life, I don’t really care about men at work, they are just co-workers. I see them as friends.

Today I was working at the jewelry counter. I was basically stuck to that counter since we aren’t really allowed to leave. The new guy, whom I will name Phil for privacy reasons, was greeting people in the store. That is his main job, to walk through the store and greet people. He is good at it. Phil is friendly and very talkative. Although he is good at what he does, Phil doesn’t like greeting people for hours on end.

Back to the point…

I was stuck in jewelry,  and Phil is walking the floor. We talked here and there, mindless chit chatter just to kill time. I don’t think much of it since I talk to a lot of my co-workers.

But this conversation started to change…

“How long have you been here for?” Phil asked.

“Five years,” I answered, nodding at the crazy number, “But it’s a good place to be.”

“Yes it is, I agree,” he replied.

“Yup. I started when I was 19. Now I’m pretty old.”

“No. Not at all. 24 is not old at all.”

Here I forgot that I was actually 18 when I started, so I gave him a wrong age…

“Yeah I guess.”

“24 is a good age to be.”

“Sure.”

“Yeah, it seems like a lot of people have been here for a while.”

“There are a few of us. Yes,” I said.

“Anna (again, a fake name) has been here four years.”

I thought about it and agreed to the right years of my co-workers working years.

Phil went on, “Ellen (yup another fake name) has been here for three.”

Again I nod and agree. He greets people as they walk by.

“Do you have a second job?” I ask him, “Many of the others, I know, also have second jobs.”

“No. no. This is the only thing I’m doing.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah. I’m actually writing a book.” He said. I get super interested, since it’s pretty out of the ordinary to find someone in the process of writing a story. And for someone to have the same interest as mine. “It takes up most of my time.”

“What is it about?” I continue to ask, just glad to kill time.

“It’s about,” Phil tells me, as he considers where to start, “a man. He is struggling through life, since a lot of bad things have happened to him, a lot of bad relationships. And so he is trying to find the reason why life is so bad and hoping to find happiness in the end. There is a lot of personal stuff and a lot of fiction in it. Not a lot of people have read my works. Only my younger brother, and he’s been saying a lot of exceptional things about it. He’s only 18. It’s been hard to find someone to exchange ideas with. A lot of things in the story has happened to me. I went through a bad marriage, very bad marriage. And after that, I was in a relationship. It was nice since I could throw ideas at her and to get creative feedback from her. But since then, it’s been hard to have no one there for me.”

While he tells his story, I nod and add in appropriate sounds of “okay and uh huh’s”

Phil continues to greet customers.

I had another question for him though, since he was into writing and all. “Did you go to any school for your writing?”

“No, no. I got into it in 7th grade. It was a great passion of mine. I stopped for a while, but then something bad happened to me and I started up again after that. I found that I had gotten a lot better too.”

I nodded, amazed. I was considering telling him that I was writing as well and that I had a similar story to his.

“Okay, I’m gonna take a walk around. I don’t want our manager (who I did not make up a name for since naming characters are hard for me) to think I’m not doing anything.”

“Okay. Yup, that’s fine.”

Phil takes a lap around our store, and honestly it wasn’t long enough. During this time my mind was rushing everywhere. I know I am not the only one to have their thoughts go wild.

What is his reasoning behind telling me all this? He doesn’t have to tell me. Phil was basically bearing his soul to me. Another human being has never done that before. All his weird intimate life stories and he was sharing with me!

I didn’t even care if he was just being friendly, I was starting to like this guy. I didn’t care that he was divorced and had a hard past with other relationships. He was very likable in this moment.

But I toned down my thoughts. I cannot like him too much! I cannot like him at all. It will be a small one-sided crush. He’s just something good to look at!

Why oh why was this happening to me now! I cannot be having a crush, especially on a co-worker nonetheless!

Phil made his round and came back to my counter.

“You’re back,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said.

“How was it?” I said knowing full well how he felt about his position.

“Oh it was just great,” he said sarcastically. “I have to ask,” he continued, changing the topic, “how long have you known Anna?”

“Which Anna? Do you mean Anna M. or Anna X.?” I asked back. We have so many employees who have the same name…

“Anna X. Short Anna,” Phil patted the air showing how short he meant.

“Ahh. Anna. I’ve known her for a while. She went to school with my younger sister and I’ve seen her around. So it’s been a while.”

“Okay.” Phil said, considering the new information he just received.

“I have to ask something, if it’s not too strange.” Phil said.

“Yeah?” I said back. I could feel something different this time though. This relationship I had going on was just about to change. I should have seen it coming, but I was so side tracked, I didn’t see it till it was too late.

“Do you know how old Anna is and if Anna has a boyfriend?”

 

Of course! Or course, when a boy is nice to me it is for something. But I still smile and answered. “I’ve seen her birthday once, and she is around my age. And I don’t know if she has a boyfriend, sorry.”

“No, no. That’s fine.”

Not much is said after that. Stuff was going on in the store and he went to help out. Soon after I was set free from the jewelry counter, and Anna came to replace me. I still had some time before my lunch break so I was helping around on the floor.

In the active department, I was straightening clothes and Phil comes over.

“Hey. I hate to be that guy. But could you figure out if she has a boyfriend?”

“I can try.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

I go back to my cleaning and he goes back to greeting customers.

I could not believe what just happened…

I was befriended just for information on one of my coworkers. I thought to what he had just told me. He was basically the main character of his story and he was trying to find happiness, but did he really need my help? If he was searching for it, couldn’t he man up and tell the girl himself.

I wasn’t angry or devastated. I would have been if I had liked him from the very beginning. But my feelings were a five minute blind misunderstanding.

I carried on with my job. Even though I was given a mission, I was still at work and while on the clock my job is my first priority.

Later on while going to my lunch break, he finds me on the floor again.

“Would it be obvious if you asked?” he asked me.

“I think so. But I’ll try not to say your name.” I tell him.

“Okay, yeah.”

We part ways and I go to the break room in the back of the store.

But he wasn’t done talking just yet, he came to the room too, after two minutes.

“I was just thinking and I wouldn’t mind if you said my name. We’re all adults. If she doesn’t like me then its fine. She’s pretty cool, I don’t think she would care. She would probably make a joke later. And I’m totally cool with it.”

“Okay. Yeah. I’m surprised you haven’t said it yourself.”

He laughs and agrees.

We part ways again and I settle down for my lunch. Which I could not swallow. I’ve never been in that sort of situation, my body was clamming up. I didn’t care about him, I was freaking out over the fact that I was just used for some guys own pleasure of finding out if a girl was single.

I waited till later on that night to tell Anna. Unsure of how long the conversation would last, I got my recovery for the zone I was responsible for.

After, I went and found her. I knew I would have to break it to her slowly. Let her figure it out before I said the whole thing. Anna was cleaning up purses, a perfect opportunity since it was in the corner of the store and no one was around.

“Hey Anna,” I said going up to her.

“Hey Lucy. What’s up.”

“So, I have something to ask you,” I said, “It’s gonna be really strange.”

She looked over to me, waiting for me to say what I had to say.

“I’m not sure if you have been noticing it already. I’m sure you have. But what do you think of Phil?”

Anna still doesn’t say anything. I’m sure she was trying to figure out what was going on.

“He want’s me to ask you something.” I said, filling the quiet space.

“Stop,” Anna tells me, “Don’t say it.”

I crouch over and lean on a display, “I don’t want to say it either!”

“Don’t say it. I can see where this is going. Don’t say it.”

“Okay. I really don’t want to say it. I really don’t”

“Tell him you forgot.”

“Okay. If that is what you want. I will tell him that. Cause honestly, I would rather be on your side rather than his.”

I was relieved. I know she would be smart enough to figure it out, Girls have an intuition when it comes to boys liking them. There is a difference in the air. A difference in the way a boy acts towards you.

Anna and I are not extremely close, but we are still are on a good standing term. So I knew she would take it well, and I am glad she took it better than thought she would.

Later on I had to tell her that I hoped our relationship would not be awkward after that. But she was cool with it. She could kind of tell that he liked her…

I won’t see Phil until Thursday…

But honestly, I know I am a nice girl, but he kind of asked the wrong girl to do his dirty work…

Childhood Dreams

I sat there, listening to music, that carried my childhood in them. This particular night was like any other night of my life. Nothing special was going on. Other than procrastinating on homework, life was a yawn.

I closed my eyes and thought back to when I was a child. Back in California. When days were much simpler. When the only thing I had to worry about was coming home with bruises on my knees from playing with the boys at recess.

The days when my siblings and I didn’t get yelled at for playing in the sprinklers after school,  making our uniforms soaking wet. When all I had to do was read books after books.

And of course, that smile of my best friend.

I had missed a few days from spraining my ankle (jumping off my roof). And when I returned, she had greeted me with her big smile and told me that everyone missed me. We were inseparable.

But that was back in California.

My parents moved us to the great midwest, to the state of Wisconsin. Everything I ever knew changed. People were different there, my friends new. It was difficult to accept the change. Despite my difficulties, day after day, month after month, even though I yearned for my home in California, I was moving on.

I lost connection with my childhood friends, I lost what it was to be a Cali girl.

What did I become? A girl stuck in reality. Dreaming at night but forgetting to have dreams while I walked the grounds of Earth.

Dear Me, Part One

I have been reading a lot of Dear Teen Me stories. It got me to think, what would I write to myself? Did I want to recall such memories like those of whom I read? Memories filled with regrets, hate, decisions to make us who we are today. Do I want to think of my bad memories as the memories that helped make me a better person?

Was being disregarded by my uncle, when all I wanted to do was follow along in the walk and he told me to go back home, a memory I want to use. When my neighbor kid would come over and say that our dog liked him better, and we had to force the dog back home. Following girls into the boy’s bathroom because I thought it was cool, but we got caught by a teacher and was told on. Being lifted upside down by a boy who I considered a friend, were these memories to be used? Did I want to remember how I had gotten a reward for something and my name was listed with others in the lunch room. How my sister was trying to show me, but the girls sitting across from us thought my sister was pointing her fingers at them. A few minutes later, my sister would run to the girl’s bathroom in tears. Is this how I want to remember things?

I just realized… These are all my memories of California… I was just a kid, younger than eight, and I was going through all that. I wonder what it would have been like if my parents decided to stay.

Is it better that we moved?

Do these memories mold me in anyway? Did I learn from them? Did I become a better person?

I learnt that family, although I cannot live without them, is better to be missed than hated.

I learnt that our family is just not cut out to take care of animals, except for goldfishes.

I learnt that true friends will stick by you, even after all the hard times you go through together.

I learnt that I lived in a racist world, were people I loved get hurt, yet we had to deal with it.

Remembering all these memories, I am kind of glad to get away from that harsh environment. Sure there were some bad times here in Wisconsin too, but it did get better. I can’t even imagine the person I would be if I still stuck around those people. Even if I did have a childhood friend there, would they be willing to deal with a girl like me? Would a girl like me being okay dealing with people like them?

There are many more moments in California, too much to write out now. Some I would not like to remember.

Friendship

I seriously don’t think I deserve friends. I am horrible at making them and even more horrible at keeping them. I am such the awkward turtle that no one even wants to come near me or even bother to talk to me. Surely people cringe at the thought of bringing me into a conversation.

I’m not sure if I was always this way or life messed me up that bad. Back in elementary I remember having friends, and was still shy, but I had friends who I talked to. When I moved, I was shy. But the new girl at school is always shy, right?

There must be something wrong with me. Trying to keep a friendship alive is hard for me. I think since I lost all my childhood friends in the move, I continued to believe that if I moved than that friendship comes to an end too.

I had a friend in the first elementary I went to in Wisconsin. It didn’t last long though, since my family moved house and I was being transferred to another school. We would write letters to each other, but that soon stopped.

Another friend I made during middle school was lost during the transition to high school. I’m not sure if our group of friends were just going in different directions or what, but we moved on from each other. The summer before school started, I was getting more into my culture and my own race. It made me change.

So am I the reason for such a shitty relationship with people. I know I am. While the others tried, I pulled away. There is something wrong with me.

Sad reality is that I am a horrible person. While I don’t trust others, it should be the other way around, others should not trust me. I suck at being a decent human being.