Going Bald…

There was an idea behind this. I don’t know what, but it was there. The Christmas before I turned 21, I put into my phone of how I wanted to shave off my hair. On my 21st birthday. I had seven months to really think about it, but I knew I was dead set on this goal.

Yet, when it came to my 21st birthday, I didn’t do it. I went out and did the normal twenty-one year old scenario.

A year passed, and still the thought of shaving my head was floating around. But, as it turns out, it was not going to be the year.

But this year came about. I knew if I wanted to go bald, this was the last chance I was going to get. I had to do it while I was young, before I regretted not doing it sooner.

I got over my depression, I was on the path to figuring out who I am. I was happy.

I got the courage to finally let my sisters on the in about my goals.

screenshot-by-nimbus

screenshot-by-nimbus (1)

We came to an agreement of baby steps. And not soon after, I went in to get a pixie cut.

IMG_20140607_150254

I was happy, but still, the lingering thoughts of being bald bothered me.

After my hair grew out, we thought again about a new haircut. This time, I wanted to go shorter,

It was the day before my birthday and I wanted to go all the way this time. But I was pulled back by my sister again. We cut it short but not all the way.

IMG_20140721_130509

Soon after it was like the world was messing with me. My nephew and niece got to the razors and decided to give themselves a haircut. They had to go bald.

I watched the ending of Legend of Korra, and Jinora fulfilled her wishes of becoming a airmaster, getting the chance to go bald,

I was thinking of Doctor Who and remembered that Matt Smith went bald.

So I messaged my sister again.

screenshot-by-nimbus (2)

After three months of talking about it, I was finally going to get my wish. My sister was agreeing to help me out in my goal.

And finally, after two plus years, I got to fulfill one of my life goals.

My before:

IMG_20140906_005547

And, finally, my after…

IMG_20140907_161315

Society tell us girls should have long hair. To be a woman, you have to have a head full of hair. To be pretty and wanted, you have to have a long lock of hair. In my culture, a good girl has long hair.

For me to cut my hair, I am going against all reasons.

There is no beauty on the outside unless there is beauty on the inside.

I love myself regardless of how my hair looks. I will love myself through this experience. ‘Cause I will weed out those who still stick with me even though I look different.

(P.S. I am super happy how it turned out. I love how I look and feel. That’s all that should matter. Run and chase your goals, fight for your happiness.)

 

Take Two: Love

From four months ago, a lot has changed. I definitely have a different out take on love. I have seen the bigger picture to the pros and cons of love. That means, even though I have many good thoughts on love now, I still have and gained more insight on how hard love can be.

Each person is different, making each relationship different. There is no comparison with each other. As there is free will in the world, people have different expectations of others and situations.

I have read many books and have seen many films. I have allowed myself to have a crush, which may seem weird but I’ve avoided affections for another person for a long time now.

I can honestly say that the thought of love is in a good place for me. In my prior writing, I did not see it possible for me to find someone worthy of love. But now I am willing to give it a chance.

As I’ve said to myself in the past, even though I am happy being single, if the chance comes by of being in a relationship I wouldn’t pass it up.

Love, it is a four letter word, but it needs more than one lifetime to explain the meaning behind the word.

And although it is difficult to be in love at times, that is the chances a person has got to make when being in love.

In my first writing about love, I mentioned “Eleanor and Park” by Rainbow Rowell. I finished the book with good thoughts on their relationship.

Since then, I’ve come to accept love stories better.

There is an Asian drama, called “Fated To Love You”. A very comedic, romantic and life changing drama. During this drama, I found myself to cry for the first time in a long time. I knew it was going to happen but I didn’t know how much it would effect me.

Never has crying made my eyes hurt in the past. But the morning after, I couldn’t even open my eyes right.

I’ve only started to open up to the possibilities of love. And it may take a while for the whole concept of love to make sense to me, but I am willing to keep going.

First love and love at first sight is still a topic I still have to think about.

Society has fantasied first love to the point of falling in love a second time or third time has become incoherent to others. Love at first sight is such a dream, young people want it for themselves.

But enough of this. I am happy for myself. I have grown up in ways I never thought of doing.

I still may never understand why people give each other such cheesy nicknames, but I can understand why people fight for love and why it’s such a big life change.

 

Update: Summer is Over and School Has Started!

Wow, I had so much more planned for this. My mind definitely works better at night. I was going to go on and on about how my summer went and how school is starting soon.

I can’t believe how fast everything went this year. I was hoping for more. But like always, I’m sucked into doing so much more for others and not enough for me. I need to save up for next summer. I want to do something fun for myself. I say this but it may not even happen. I need to get these next three and a half years done first.

I think the excited thing about college is the classes I am going to take. I cannot wait to learn everything I’m going for.

So I am scared and worried that I maybe going back for no reason. I’m scared that I am wasting money and time on school. But I know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be confident about my life choices.

I want to be a writer, I want to be an editor, I want to start a publishing company, and I want to start a cafe with books in it!

My English major is important to me. Going for business is important, going for philosophy and psychology is important. I want all of this. But summer makes me forget everything.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. It was so hard. With work in the middle of the day, I couldn’t think of writing in the mornings before work and writing after work. I was making excuses of having to get ready, and needing to wind down from all the customers I had to deal with in that day.

But since school has started, I can feel the motivation come back. My progress of writing may still be slow but it will be more frequent than this summer. Trying to juggle work and school is hard, but writing is such a big passion for me. I’m not going to let go of it just like that.

Even if I feel like a lot of people don’t get my goals of wanting to be a writer, I want to show them that I can have this dream and get to the finish line.

 

Hard to be Happy

It is hard to be happy.

I should just stop trying.

But there is a reputation to uphold!

Who the fuck cares about a reputation!

But wait, who am I really doing this for?

Why the hell do I even try to be so nice to everybody for?

Oh yea…

Those people who conceived, birthed, and took care of me till now.

They are the only reason why I am still living at home, why I still act nice to our other family members, the only reason why I haven’t fallen back into my deep hole of depression.

But it is so hard…

When they can’t let go of the past.

When they can’t stop caring about how everybody else views them.

It makes it hard for them to be a happy person.

Thus, making it hard for me to be a happy person.