Category Archives: My Stories

A Little Something I Wanted to Share

I wrote this to a friend and thought it would be cool to post it here. I do mention references to my story I am writing, which is what sparked this conversation.

Have a little of my past 🙂

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personally, why I don’t agree to forced marriage and fear it, is because I don’t want to lose my freedom. I had to struggle just to be the person that I am right now. When I was growing up, I was “the pretty one with white skin” that all the old ladies doted on. I grew up with expectations to do well, to marry well, and to have a good looking boyfriend/husband, all because the fact of me having “a pretty face.”
I was basically told what to expect out of life. But having all these words thrown at me didn’t make my feel any better. My sisters, and cousins had to witness it too. They were being compared to me, but I didn’t like to be the china doll that everyone showed off. Honestly, as a young girl, I didn’t think there was much about me that was charming. I blinked too much, I was empty minded, and filled with
imaginations.
It should have made me a bitch, and maybe it did, but since I was so different, I secluded myself. I didn’t want to stand out as “the pretty one.” It got to the point that if any guy talked to me, I would turn my back to them, honestly I was an ice princess during my middle and high school years. It was something that I never noticed till just last year..
I never allowed myself to grow to my full potential, I was scared to be ‘me’. So while I still worked hard, I pulled back in the department of social skills and love life.
For awhile I did find ‘me’, and I thought I was finally going to go somewhere in life, but things aren’t always that dandy and great. I had a conflict with my sisters. I had other life ambitions and they were worried about their love lives. We weren’t seeing eye to eye in anything. They were the closes people to me in my family, and in matter of months we hated each other with a passion…
But they were still my family, and with time we slowly became family again, but never as close as we once were.
I still lost myself though, and I was lost for so long too. I closed myself off again. My best friend could see it, but she didn’t know how to deal with it. She didn’t know what I had to grow up with. For years I would put on a mask with a smile, but I was basically dying on the inside.
It was just two years ago that I started on my life journey to be happy and to be ‘me’. I feel like I took three big steps in my life. If I were to be married, I would be taking four steps back.
Plus, I tend to think that my dreams carry heavy messages that I am afraid to admit, and I had dreams about forced marriages. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was thinking consistently about my story, but it showed me what my darkest fears were about forced marriage. People kept trying to get into my bubble, trying to control everything for me. Just like Luna, everyone was making mistakes for her and she had to deal with the mess. Nobody would let me grow as a person, and nothing would be mine anymore.
That is another thing, while growing up, my sister’s would claim things as theirs and I would step back and let them. I had nothing to claim as mine. Now that I do have something that is mine, I am scared that someone is going to take it away from me.
And yeah, I lost a lot of my sisters while I was young. They were never really sister figures though, or at least I felt like they never were. They never tried to understand me as a human being, even though I tried with every last tear to understand what was going on in their minds. I tried so hard with my younger sisters too, and it only left me hurt even more. I love them to pieces, but no one really understands me.. So yea, I do have a silent promise with myself to not let my younger sisters go through what I went through when all my married sisters left. Because honestly, when my family was already under scrutiny, it hurt that my sisters were finding love and I was stuck to deal with all the drama and gossip.
Rather than focusing on others, my main goal in life is to focus on me. As greedy as that sounds, it’s something that I owe to myself, to my kid self who worried too much about what other’s thought about themselves and about me.
When I write a stories, my characters are their own people, but I tend to leave a bit of me with my them. And that may seem greedy too, but I can’t help but leave part of myself in places that my family would never think to look.
I can’t seem to make my stories short…. I had to share my whole life story… (and why would i share my whole life story? i don’t fear my flaws or horrible past.)

The Unwanted Flinch

The fact is I am not used to people touching me. I do not have a bad past of having unwanted touches. I’ve just never had that environment where I was hugged or had simple touches.

Now, when people try getting near me, I can’t help but flinch or dodge their approach. It makes me feel bad, but I just can’t help myself.

A while back, my co-worker tried to point out my earrings, saying that she wants something like mine, and I basically flinched at her movement to my ear… I felt so bad, it was as if I didn’t want her to touch me, but it wasn’t like that. I’m just not used to people getting near me…

A Sad Sunday Story

Sad Sunday Story…!

For the holiday season we always get seasonal people. We rarely ever get men on the floor with us, and this year there was a new guy. Up to this point in my life, I don’t really care about men at work, they are just co-workers. I see them as friends.

Today I was working at the jewelry counter. I was basically stuck to that counter since we aren’t really allowed to leave. The new guy, whom I will name Phil for privacy reasons, was greeting people in the store. That is his main job, to walk through the store and greet people. He is good at it. Phil is friendly and very talkative. Although he is good at what he does, Phil doesn’t like greeting people for hours on end.

Back to the point…

I was stuck in jewelry,  and Phil is walking the floor. We talked here and there, mindless chit chatter just to kill time. I don’t think much of it since I talk to a lot of my co-workers.

But this conversation started to change…

“How long have you been here for?” Phil asked.

“Five years,” I answered, nodding at the crazy number, “But it’s a good place to be.”

“Yes it is, I agree,” he replied.

“Yup. I started when I was 19. Now I’m pretty old.”

“No. Not at all. 24 is not old at all.”

Here I forgot that I was actually 18 when I started, so I gave him a wrong age…

“Yeah I guess.”

“24 is a good age to be.”

“Sure.”

“Yeah, it seems like a lot of people have been here for a while.”

“There are a few of us. Yes,” I said.

“Anna (again, a fake name) has been here four years.”

I thought about it and agreed to the right years of my co-workers working years.

Phil went on, “Ellen (yup another fake name) has been here for three.”

Again I nod and agree. He greets people as they walk by.

“Do you have a second job?” I ask him, “Many of the others, I know, also have second jobs.”

“No. no. This is the only thing I’m doing.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah. I’m actually writing a book.” He said. I get super interested, since it’s pretty out of the ordinary to find someone in the process of writing a story. And for someone to have the same interest as mine. “It takes up most of my time.”

“What is it about?” I continue to ask, just glad to kill time.

“It’s about,” Phil tells me, as he considers where to start, “a man. He is struggling through life, since a lot of bad things have happened to him, a lot of bad relationships. And so he is trying to find the reason why life is so bad and hoping to find happiness in the end. There is a lot of personal stuff and a lot of fiction in it. Not a lot of people have read my works. Only my younger brother, and he’s been saying a lot of exceptional things about it. He’s only 18. It’s been hard to find someone to exchange ideas with. A lot of things in the story has happened to me. I went through a bad marriage, very bad marriage. And after that, I was in a relationship. It was nice since I could throw ideas at her and to get creative feedback from her. But since then, it’s been hard to have no one there for me.”

While he tells his story, I nod and add in appropriate sounds of “okay and uh huh’s”

Phil continues to greet customers.

I had another question for him though, since he was into writing and all. “Did you go to any school for your writing?”

“No, no. I got into it in 7th grade. It was a great passion of mine. I stopped for a while, but then something bad happened to me and I started up again after that. I found that I had gotten a lot better too.”

I nodded, amazed. I was considering telling him that I was writing as well and that I had a similar story to his.

“Okay, I’m gonna take a walk around. I don’t want our manager (who I did not make up a name for since naming characters are hard for me) to think I’m not doing anything.”

“Okay. Yup, that’s fine.”

Phil takes a lap around our store, and honestly it wasn’t long enough. During this time my mind was rushing everywhere. I know I am not the only one to have their thoughts go wild.

What is his reasoning behind telling me all this? He doesn’t have to tell me. Phil was basically bearing his soul to me. Another human being has never done that before. All his weird intimate life stories and he was sharing with me!

I didn’t even care if he was just being friendly, I was starting to like this guy. I didn’t care that he was divorced and had a hard past with other relationships. He was very likable in this moment.

But I toned down my thoughts. I cannot like him too much! I cannot like him at all. It will be a small one-sided crush. He’s just something good to look at!

Why oh why was this happening to me now! I cannot be having a crush, especially on a co-worker nonetheless!

Phil made his round and came back to my counter.

“You’re back,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said.

“How was it?” I said knowing full well how he felt about his position.

“Oh it was just great,” he said sarcastically. “I have to ask,” he continued, changing the topic, “how long have you known Anna?”

“Which Anna? Do you mean Anna M. or Anna X.?” I asked back. We have so many employees who have the same name…

“Anna X. Short Anna,” Phil patted the air showing how short he meant.

“Ahh. Anna. I’ve known her for a while. She went to school with my younger sister and I’ve seen her around. So it’s been a while.”

“Okay.” Phil said, considering the new information he just received.

“I have to ask something, if it’s not too strange.” Phil said.

“Yeah?” I said back. I could feel something different this time though. This relationship I had going on was just about to change. I should have seen it coming, but I was so side tracked, I didn’t see it till it was too late.

“Do you know how old Anna is and if Anna has a boyfriend?”

 

Of course! Or course, when a boy is nice to me it is for something. But I still smile and answered. “I’ve seen her birthday once, and she is around my age. And I don’t know if she has a boyfriend, sorry.”

“No, no. That’s fine.”

Not much is said after that. Stuff was going on in the store and he went to help out. Soon after I was set free from the jewelry counter, and Anna came to replace me. I still had some time before my lunch break so I was helping around on the floor.

In the active department, I was straightening clothes and Phil comes over.

“Hey. I hate to be that guy. But could you figure out if she has a boyfriend?”

“I can try.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

I go back to my cleaning and he goes back to greeting customers.

I could not believe what just happened…

I was befriended just for information on one of my coworkers. I thought to what he had just told me. He was basically the main character of his story and he was trying to find happiness, but did he really need my help? If he was searching for it, couldn’t he man up and tell the girl himself.

I wasn’t angry or devastated. I would have been if I had liked him from the very beginning. But my feelings were a five minute blind misunderstanding.

I carried on with my job. Even though I was given a mission, I was still at work and while on the clock my job is my first priority.

Later on while going to my lunch break, he finds me on the floor again.

“Would it be obvious if you asked?” he asked me.

“I think so. But I’ll try not to say your name.” I tell him.

“Okay, yeah.”

We part ways and I go to the break room in the back of the store.

But he wasn’t done talking just yet, he came to the room too, after two minutes.

“I was just thinking and I wouldn’t mind if you said my name. We’re all adults. If she doesn’t like me then its fine. She’s pretty cool, I don’t think she would care. She would probably make a joke later. And I’m totally cool with it.”

“Okay. Yeah. I’m surprised you haven’t said it yourself.”

He laughs and agrees.

We part ways again and I settle down for my lunch. Which I could not swallow. I’ve never been in that sort of situation, my body was clamming up. I didn’t care about him, I was freaking out over the fact that I was just used for some guys own pleasure of finding out if a girl was single.

I waited till later on that night to tell Anna. Unsure of how long the conversation would last, I got my recovery for the zone I was responsible for.

After, I went and found her. I knew I would have to break it to her slowly. Let her figure it out before I said the whole thing. Anna was cleaning up purses, a perfect opportunity since it was in the corner of the store and no one was around.

“Hey Anna,” I said going up to her.

“Hey Lucy. What’s up.”

“So, I have something to ask you,” I said, “It’s gonna be really strange.”

She looked over to me, waiting for me to say what I had to say.

“I’m not sure if you have been noticing it already. I’m sure you have. But what do you think of Phil?”

Anna still doesn’t say anything. I’m sure she was trying to figure out what was going on.

“He want’s me to ask you something.” I said, filling the quiet space.

“Stop,” Anna tells me, “Don’t say it.”

I crouch over and lean on a display, “I don’t want to say it either!”

“Don’t say it. I can see where this is going. Don’t say it.”

“Okay. I really don’t want to say it. I really don’t”

“Tell him you forgot.”

“Okay. If that is what you want. I will tell him that. Cause honestly, I would rather be on your side rather than his.”

I was relieved. I know she would be smart enough to figure it out, Girls have an intuition when it comes to boys liking them. There is a difference in the air. A difference in the way a boy acts towards you.

Anna and I are not extremely close, but we are still are on a good standing term. So I knew she would take it well, and I am glad she took it better than thought she would.

Later on I had to tell her that I hoped our relationship would not be awkward after that. But she was cool with it. She could kind of tell that he liked her…

I won’t see Phil until Thursday…

But honestly, I know I am a nice girl, but he kind of asked the wrong girl to do his dirty work…

Childhood Dreams

I sat there, listening to music, that carried my childhood in them. This particular night was like any other night of my life. Nothing special was going on. Other than procrastinating on homework, life was a yawn.

I closed my eyes and thought back to when I was a child. Back in California. When days were much simpler. When the only thing I had to worry about was coming home with bruises on my knees from playing with the boys at recess.

The days when my siblings and I didn’t get yelled at for playing in the sprinklers after school,  making our uniforms soaking wet. When all I had to do was read books after books.

And of course, that smile of my best friend.

I had missed a few days from spraining my ankle (jumping off my roof). And when I returned, she had greeted me with her big smile and told me that everyone missed me. We were inseparable.

But that was back in California.

My parents moved us to the great midwest, to the state of Wisconsin. Everything I ever knew changed. People were different there, my friends new. It was difficult to accept the change. Despite my difficulties, day after day, month after month, even though I yearned for my home in California, I was moving on.

I lost connection with my childhood friends, I lost what it was to be a Cali girl.

What did I become? A girl stuck in reality. Dreaming at night but forgetting to have dreams while I walked the grounds of Earth.

Fool’s Paradise 01. My Other Self

Lily was on her way home after a long day of exercising. During the drive, she remembered the tar job being done on the driveway her dad was doing earlier that day. To make sure she wouldn’t disturb it drying, she decides to call her sister to check on the status of the tar.

“How far is the tar done?” Lily asked the moment Shina picked up.

Shina replies, “It’s all done. We finished it a while ago.”

“Okay, do you know how I should get into the parking lot? Did mom and dad say?” Lily asked, nearing the house.

“Yea, dad talked to the neighbor and we can use their drive way to get into the back.”

Lily felt relieved as she replied, “Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

Shina on the other line, went silent. “Shina? Did you hear me?”

When Lily’s sister did reply, she sounded scared, “But Lilith, didn’t you come home a while ago already? I was actually wondering why you called and not just come into the room…”

Lily’s mind was racing with all the possibilities, but to not scare her sister Lily replied, “You know what, I’m really tired, I’m sorry for calling out of nowhere. Just don’t worry about it.”

When she hears an unsure “Okay” from Shina, Lily hangs up. Speeding up a bit more, She hurries home to see what is waiting for her.

Both sisters knew each other well enough for Lily to know that Shina would call her bluff. Lily knew she was right as she pulled up to her house. Shina and their parents were outside, standing in a circle, on the porch, most likely whispering about the thing waiting for her.

Of course Shina told, she knew their parents would need to know what was going on. Lily just hoped the thing waiting for her didn’t know. Driving into the neighbor’s pathway, Lily goes over into their backyard parking area. Careful to not walk into the tar, Lily makes her way to the front of the house to join her family.

“Is Bae still inside?” Lily asks right away when she reaches them.

“Yes,” her father replies. “I’m sure he knows something is up, but he hasn’t said or done much yet.”

Lily nods, trying her best to seem nonchalant about it, like this was an everyday conversation, “Go shopping. We could use some stuff around the house.”

“What about you?” my mother has concern in her eyes, which Lily has not seen since they first found out about her abilities.

“I’ll be fine,” Lily say to her mother. I hope she thought to herself, Lily didn’t want them to worry. Her family had been waiting for this for a long time coming now and it was something they couldn’t shield her from.

Both her parents turned to head back in but she calls out to them, “Dad, Mom.” They stop in their tracks to look back, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, just do what you have to,” replies her father before they retreat back into the house to grab what they need and to inform her brother.

Lily notices that her sister is still standing there beside her. She didn’t want any of them to stay and they all knew it. “What are you still doing here? You should be getting ready to leave too.”

She watches as the shock fills Shina’s face. Only than does Lily realize she used too much force in her words and regrets it right away.

With a sigh Lily tell her, “Sorry. Just go, please.”

Shina leaves Lily standing there, out in the dark with nothing but her thoughts.

The memories start pouring back to her. Lily thinks of all those different times an elder or a gifted person came up to her.

She was 12 when her parents took the whole family to Chinatown, Chicago, for sightseeing and shopping. It was their first time walking that street. They must have gone back and forth 20 times that day, going in and out of different shops. It was midafternoon when it happened. An elderly Asian woman came up to Lily, while her family was walking on the sidewalk.

“You child, the things you will do when you grow up. Such great power, great but burdening powers,” the elder said to Lily with the saddest eyes she would never forget.

Lily’s parents didn’t think much of it, but they took a hold of their kids and they left those streets, and never did they go back. She remembered looking back to the little old lady just in time to see her disappear into thin air.

The little old lady was the first of many encounters. At times there would be people of all ages coming up to Lily, telling her the same thing, some who disappear without a trace.

There was the random guy at the grocery store trying to start up a conversation with her, earning her a drive home full of questions. The many weird encounters of her classmates finding her to be talking to nothing but thin air at school. All the events made her known to the whole school as weird, and Lily had to soon learn who was actually there or not.

It was starting to be a frequent thing every time Lilith left her house. Soon after these incidents, she never went out of the house, unless necessary. At a young age, Lily decided that she didn’t want to have to deal with outsiders anymore, and her parents reluctantly agreed to their daughter’s request.

Although she tried her best to avoid it, family elders were saying similar things to her. At family gatherings her gifted relatives would see her differently.

During the family’s New Year celebration, Lily was only 14 when things got serious. Her great grandpa was doing a blessing for the whole family. The entire clan on her dad’s side was over at her eldest uncle’s house, where her great grandpa lived.

Towards the end of the night, when all the families had left except for Lily’s, her great grandpa came up to her. Both families were in the living room, the parents chatting away, and the boys playing their games. Lily was sitting on the floor, in a circle of girls that consisted of Shina and their two cousins.

“Lily,” he called her over, “Come and have a talk with me and the parents.”

Lily wasn’t sure at the time what it was about, but she agreed to his request leaving the comfort of girl talk. Going towards the adults, she could see them quieting down as if they were expecting the talk beforehand. Sitting down on a foldable metal chair across from her parents, Lily looked towards her great grandpa who is sitting with his son, my grandpa. At the corner of her eye she could see the girls listening in on the conversation that was about to commence.

“You are aware of what journey lies for your daughter?” my great grandpa started, addressing her parents.

“Yes,” her dad responded taking a small glance at Lily, then looking back at his grandpa, “We’ve talked to some people, and have decided to come to you for advice. We are not sure why our daughter is chosen. But because she is already tied to that destiny, we would like to know what path to take to help her.”

“She will need a lot of help. We need to find the right people to train her.”

Lily’s dad showed no shock as he was expecting the answer he got from his grandpa. He quietly nods, “I’ve talked to a few friends and they are willing to help. I hope this will be enough for now, the rest she will have to do on her own in her own time.”

They were talking as if she was not there. It felt wrong, to be asked into this conversation but to be talked about as if she didn’t have any say or thought in the decision. When Lily spoke up, she let a little too much of her emotions show, a mix of anger, fear, and confusion, “What is going on? Why do I have to train, what am I training for?”

Lily did have an idea though. How could she not? She had seen and talked to people who weren’t really there. Not to her surprise, Lily is told what she would have to train for.

“To fight,” her great grandpa said finally, looking at her, “you have a gift, a horrible gift.”

“I know,” Lily responded. “They all tell me this, each and every spirit and human I’ve encountered always says that one sentence. I still don’t know what this gift is though.”

“Your gift,” he said with a pause, “is unknown to this world and may never be known. And because you are something different, you are in danger. You are able to see spirits, demons, evil, and in turn they are able to see you. To protect yourself, you have to learn as much as you can, as soon as you can. When the time comes, we are not going to be able to protect you anymore. It will come when least expected and there is no telling how things are going to be after. Prepare and live life that fate gave you.”

Lily sat there with no emotion, her life forever changed in that one moment. The dreams she had as a child are all shot down because destiny has other plans for her.

Seven years later, Lily is facing her first encounter. Just like Lily’s deceased great grandpa said, it came without warning. She is ready from the years of training, but her heart is still pounding, on the verge of jumping out.

Standing on the porch of her house, Lily looked into the open doorway, taking it all in on what was finally happening. Taking a breath, she makes her way into the house.

Lily feels it before going in. The presence it makes in the house is overwhelming. Taking calm steps into her home, she prepares her mind for what is to come. Lily’s older brother Bae is ready and waiting. She goes up to him and he gives her a hug.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” He whispers into her ear.

“If you stay, I’ll just be more worried,” Lily whispers back into his ear.

“It knows that you are here, so much for a surprise attack.”

She looks up at him in surprise, “You can feel it too?”

“Sis, you aren’t the only one who has spiritual powers. Although, I have to admit, yours’ is a lot stronger than mines, but we can talk about it later.”

Lily gave him one last squeeze and lets him go. Walking into the kitchen, she decided she wanted a glass of water.

Right before the kitchen on the left is the hallway into the bedrooms, and her room is the first on the right. Lily sees her parents and Shina coming down from their rooms, as they walk by her room they look at the closed door as if it was the spirit itself. She takes a glance at it too, kind of nervous and strangely excited at the same time. Lily gets her glass of water and follows them outside.

When they reach the front yard, Lily takes the first refreshing gulp of water. Looking at her family, she tells them to go, “I’ll be okay, you guys know. I’ll call you guys later.”

Lily takes another gulp as she watches them get into the car, and finish the whole cup as they drive away.

Taking a deep breath of the spring night breeze, Lily turns into her house, relieved that her family was out of the way. She closes the front door, leaving only the unknown spirit and herself alone in the house. It is quiet, and she takes it as a bad sign. As Lily sets the glass cup on the desk that is in the living room, she hears it, the sound of her bedroom door opening. Lily stands there, waiting, wearing heels, jeans, and a plain sapphire blue t-shirt.

Without blinking, Lily watches the spirit who disguised itself in her form walk into the living room. The spirit is without heels, not even wearing shoes at all, a white flowing skirt, and an almost similar top. Her black hair is overflowing, falling longer than Lily’s, it was clumped and greasy looking. The look on her face makes Lily shudder. She has a grin plastered on and she is glaring in Lily’s direction. Lily is shocked at how she makes her face looks, all the evil it conveyed. The spirit’s arms are swaying with no energy, and it seemed like it was taking all the energy to keep her head up.

“Little girl has been expecting Sem?” The spirit said in a hoarse man’s voice.

Lily is shocked but it soon goes away as all she could think at the moment is to get to her room. That is where her swords were kept, and they were the only things that would make the spirit disappear for good. Or at least that was supposed to do the job. Lily wasn’t sure about the theory. She was going to take a stab in the dark and fight this “Sem” without the swords first. Because, at the moment the thing standing in Lily’s way, to the sword, was the spirit.

“For a really long time now,” Lily replied, making small talk, “How exactly did you find me?”

He smiled at Lily, and in a proud smile he stated, “Sem was flying above and smelled you. Everyone was busy flying away, but not Sem. Sem came to take what Sem needs.”

Lily thought it would be hard, trying to kill a replica of her, but this look that Sem was giving her motivated her to get rid of him even more. Waiting for the spirit to come at Lily, he does, slowly like he needs to think about how to move his legs. Not keeping her guard down, Lily gets into a ready stance.

Sem stares Lily down as he makes his way to her. He takes his first step, but as he moved, it turned into five, and he made his way closer to Lily faster than she anticipated. Sem takes another step and is almost flying in her direction. Right before he makes contact with Lily, she had a surprise for Sem. Reaching into her back, hidden under her shirt, there is a dagger hidden, something Lily had been getting into the habit of doing for years. Bringing it forward with her right arm and swinging it at Sem, Lily hoped to get him in the gut, but Sem is quicker than he looks and dodges it before it makes contact.

Once Sem was out of the way, Lily is on the move, running around him, making her way to the archway leading into the hallway. She doesn’t make it far, only taking a few steps before she is slowed down. Her body wanted to move forward, but a force wouldn’t let her, as it brought her back. Lily looks back to see Sem with an outstretched hand. The pull on her doesn’t stop until she connects with Sem’s body. The outstretched hand wrapped itself around Lily’s chest and the other free hand pulled Lily’s head back as Sem grabbed a handful of her hair.

“How dare you try to run away from Sem,” he said into her ear.

Using her heels, Lily slammed it down on Sem’s unprotected feet. It was unexpected for him and he let out a howl as he threw her away. Lily was thrown to the floor, yet she knew she couldn’t stay down there for long, so she picked herself back up. Sem was swearing left and right as he jumped up and down from the pain.

She once again tried to get to her room but was unsuccessful as she was thrown across the room with a force. Lily was sure that Sem wasn’t even touched her at all. Crashing into the wall on her right, she falls down hard to the floor. Lily takes a moment, lying on the floor of her living room in shock of reality. Looking up, Lily searches for Sem, and her guess is correct, Sem is standing a few feet away from her, impossible for him to throw Lily. Sem looks over at Lily with that grinning glare as if it was too easy.

Getting to her feet, Lily swishes her hair that is falling down from its ponytail. Lily has a few scratches, but nothing she can’t handle.

“I guess I have to weaken you up a bit, huh?” Lily says to him, as she gets a good hold on her dagger. Lily takes stance, getting ready for another attack.

Sem is charging at Lily again as she talked to him.  Getting closer he looks as if he is ready to tear Lily’s body into two. Lily ducks down and drags her dagger through Sem’s left leg. He lets out an ear piercing scream in agony. His leg is covered in a dark substance and it is streaming from the cut Lily just gave him. Lily hoped it wouldn’t stain the carpet.

It was just a momentary win, as he uses the same leg to kick her in the face. Lily falls backward onto the carpet. Sem grabs her by her shirt and pulls her back up, he doesn’t even wait has he starts punching Lily in any place he can get. It was worse than being thrown against the wall. Every strike got heavier, leaving dark spots, Lily knew was going to show up later, all over her body.

I’m going to die. So much for my destiny, it only comes down to my first fight. I am a disappointment, and I put too much faith in myself.

In Lily’s lowest point of the fight, there was no way of pulling herself back. She intended to sit back and be overwon by this evil spirit. Her eyelids felt heavy and she allowed them to close as memories overcame her. All the people she would miss and the all the moments in her life she would never again experience.

The grip on her let go and Lily fell to the ground once more. There was no other choice than to lay there and let the process continue in Sem’s order. Her doppelganger stood above her and started to chant words unknown to Lily. Laying there she listened, but she soon heard another voice.

“You are stronger than this. There is still more for you. Get up and fight. There are times when you will fall down like tonight and days when it hurts even more than this, but you do have a choice. You have the choice to be better than anything you go up against. So you stand up right now and you kill this evil son of a bastard.”

She opened her eyes and looked for the source of the voice and found no body other than Sem, who was still chanting over her. For the first time since she started on this journey, Lily was finally feeling lighter than ever. From ten minutes ago when she was on the verge of dying, she was now feeling so alive.

While Sem was busy chanting, Lily takes her chance. There was no plan, just action, as she jumped up and stabs him deep in his body, right in the heart. Sem stops whatever he was saying as he stiffened up. Looking down at his new wound, Lily pulls out her dagger, letting sem’s black blood ooze out of his chest.

Sem looks up at Lily and back down at his wound, only to look up at Lily again. “Is this the best you can do?”

With his last sentence, Sem stumbles and fall backward. Lily watches him down on the floor, to see if there was any signs of breathing. She wondered if this was it. Was her first fight over that quickly? Was it so easy to kill this evil spirit?

Just as she was done convincing herself of the job done, Sem wakes up. With a startle, he takes in a deep breath, chest lifting up from the floor.

She doesn’t wait to see him get to his feet as she flees to her room. It was foolish to think it was easy to deal with.

Pros and Cons of Love

There must be something wrong with me. I can’t read about love the same way I did when I was younger. When I was younger I believed the impossible, and now that I’ve aged I still want to believe it, but I find it to be foolish.

I’m currently reading ‘Eleanor and Park’, by Rainbow Rowell. The book mentions how the kids are learning about ‘Romeo and Juliet’ in class. Ever since then, I can’t help but see Eleanor and Park’s love story as another ‘Romeo and Juliet’.

They are starting to fall in love. Such young love.

Was it because my lack of love lines that made me become immune to love stories?

Did I not get enough love when I was younger that I have become ill when love is mentioned?

First love can be such a strong phrase.

I did enjoy ‘The Fault in our Stars’ by John Green. But I don’t think it was the love story that pulled me in. It was the truth in the story of having cancer and overcoming it to have a normal life.

Love does not make me cry the same way it did in the past. Romance does not make me cry like it used to. There is no bubbly excitement anymore..

Maybe it is because I don’t believe in easy love. Is it really that easy to fall in love?

I rather believe in the love were two individuals find themselves love in the random people and fight for that love.

I want them to question that love. And beyond all the reasons against them, for them to still love each other.

I want big arguments that pull out all the hidden feelings. I want little moments of cuddles and light kisses. I want handholding and quiet walks. I want to be held and assured of the others feelings.

Writing love stories is really hard for me. To overcome this I’m going to have to dig deep.

I am starting to see the irony in this writing. Eleanor and Park is what I want in love. Two random people finding love in each other. Now I just have to keep reading to see how they keep that love.

I am extremely jealous of those who can find love. I see people in love with a deep friendship and I want that for myself.

With love, I am a big contradiction. I love ‘love’, and I want to find love. At times I will wish for love desperately. But most of the time I cannot stand it. I want nothing to do with love and I know I will spend the rest of my life alone. I can never choose and at times mention both wanting love and wanting nobody in the same sentence.

It is like now where I sit at school. With an r&b song blasting at one side and a soulful ballad coming across from the other side. I’m here stuck in the middle, indecisive of which song I like more.

So should I open myself up to the kind of love I want or should I stay in my shell of never falling in love?

I don’t know…

Maybe it is all the stories I see around me. All the relationships around me are not perfect but they work. There are times when I see the good in love and times when I see the bad.

Maybe I should stop worrying about all the relationships around me and worry about me. Who cares what other people see in love. I should worry about how I see love.

I want to see the good in love and I should give myself that right. My yearly goal is to never say negative things. I work hard on that and it really has improved my positivity in life. My half-year goal (just made that up right now!) is to fall in love with love again.

 

The Way The World Sees Me

I’ve been generalized for my height, ethnicity, and gender. I have all the traits of what our world is constantly at differences with.

There is no lie that I am viewed differently for having black hair, almond eyes, and
different skin texture. I’ve encountered many people in my life where I am
judged first for my looks. I’ve walked the halls of high school with boys
mocking a language that is not my own. I’ve dealt with toddlers asking their
parents why I look the way I look. They don’t even have to ask their parents,
their stare that follows me is enough. I know for sure I am treated differently
at work with certain customers.

With my gender comes my ethnicity. There are always downfalls on how men treat their
women in different cultures. In my culture, if there is a traditional
gathering, women will cook the meals and set the table for the men. Women do
not get to sit with the men though; they set their own table in the kitchens
and eat there. Our chores/life goals are different. We are grown to be the
perfect daughter-in-law, practicing kitchen work since young. Our life goal is
to marry into a good family and birth many children for our husbands.

My height is more of a personal one. I cannot count how many times I get words thrown at me
about my height.

“Do you want to stand up now?”

“Can you even see over that?”

How are people able to live with themselves and say these types of words..

I love my height. I would not be the same person without it.

I noticed that I do seem to write negatively at times. So on a lighter note, I’m going to
write my positive thoughts on these generalizations.

I love being Asian and would not change it any other way. It is my way of being unique in
this plain world. I don’t have many good memories of high school. Although I
wish I did..

One memory I cherish involves a child. I was walking in to the local grocery store to buy
lunch. Walking ahead of me was a couple and their baby. The baby was facing me,
while being held by her father. She looked at me and smiled, giggling the
happiest giggle. I don’t think I ever felt happier. We did eventually go our
separate ways, but it is a memory I don’t plan on forgetting. She was such a
sweet little angel.

I did point out the many ways my culture puts men before women. It is something that should
be fixed. I am glad to hear that in some household, women shares table with men
now. Where there used to be more men dominating the title of Shaman, there is
more women taking that title too now.

Parents do want more for their daughters. It would be great to marry into a good family,
but schooling is more important. They want daughters to do just as well as
their sons.

There isn’t much I can say about my height. The comments are something I am just going to
have to live with. I do live with it. Even though I want to say I am use to
them and they don’t bother me anymore, it would be a lie. Because those
comments still hurt. I try to play it off but it sticks in my mind and I
continue to think about them for a long time afterwards..

Wow, so much for positivity.. I’ll have to try again next time. The memory of others reminding
me of my height is still fresh. (As if I needed a fucking reminder of what I
live with daily…)

Deeper Than Just a Body Image

Recently I got my sixth and seventh ear piercings. I know it isn’t real big news, but to me it is. For a Hmong girl who is supposed to be a good girl, it is big.

When I got my first three piercings, other than my first “normal ones”, a lot of people were disappointed in me. At that time I could see why. I was supposed to be the good girl.

I still am a good girl. Compared to all of the other girls my age, I think I am doing pretty well. It’s not like I am out every night with my “gangster friends” (I have one best friend and she is the daughter of a very respected man in our town, she isn’t perfect, but compared to other girls, she is the best of the bunch), I don’t get shit face drunk every weekend, there is no cigarette hanging off my mouth, and I don’t even have a boyfriend.

I’ve come to realize that there is no reason to be disappointed in the way I want my body to look. I am not trying to impress them, I am not trying to impress boys, and I would not go that desperate for attention.

The earrings are there to represent things. Things I have overcome and the goals I have yet to reach. They have a reason and I don’t think I should have to explain them to anyone.

I want people to like me for me. Not for my body or what I do with my body. I want someone to notice how weird I am and still decide to stay by my side.

Honestly, these are not the last piercings I will be doing. I still have goals of at least three to five more. I’m sure more people will be disappointed to hear that I plan on getting tattoos too. (Yeah, they have reasons too.) It won’t change me. It’s not like I will be a different girl at the end of the day.

I will still be Lucy.

 

What is a Name?

What is a name?

A way to identify oneself? A way for others to identify a certain person?

If that is true, why is it that I do not identify myself as “Lucy” yet?

I hear that name often. I write that name often.

But when I think of myself, that name “Lucy”, does not pop up.

It reminds me on that one time, long ago.

My family and I were watching a Lucille Ball documentary. Throughout the whole film I kept on hearing Lucy, but forgetting that I am also Lucy. I was named after Lucille Ball since my parents loved the show. I even came to love shows and movies she was in too.

Back to the point… Sorry for the random tangents…

What is the point again?

I can’t sleep and I keep thinking of weird things as I try to sleep.

To be truthful I still cannot believe I was given such a beautiful name. Lucy means light.

I will figure out why I was given this name, and give it a good meaning.

I had so much planned out for this, but my mind drifts off quickly. I was going to mention URL names and other identifications, but then Lucille Ball happened… Shows how messy my mind can be at night..