Category Archives: Negativity

Nothing is Wrong with Loving Your Culture

it hurts me to write this…

i’ve always been an open minded person. i have always wanted to know MORE. i have this guilty pleasure of knowledge. and not only that, but i have this guilty pleasure of broadening my mind to different cultures.

i am Hmong, born in America. i am a Hmong American girl.

i grew up with TWO cultures. there are times when something from BOTH cultures don’t make sense to me. it is hard, to be made fun of for not understanding something from someone who was more exposed to that culture. it is hard, to be made fun of for liking something that another person does not take time to try and understand.

it is even harder when my Hmong siblings make fun of me, a Hmong girl, for liking Hmong music.

judgement on me, on who i am.

as a Hmong girl trying to make a name for myself, is it wrong to enjoy and encourage other Hmong artists that are on the same path as me, as all of us are?

because of this judgement, this sneer that would come my way, the disagreement of what is “good” and “bad”, i have been lost.

i am a lost Hmong American girl.

i love music and it makes me who i am.

yet i can’t even enjoy it when my family, my peers are judging me about it…

in this moment where i am lost, i have given in to the guilty pleasure of Hmong music and i have not regret it at all.

i can finally connect to something. relate to other Hmong communities, like finding a little lost piece of myself.

these past few days have been filled with nothing but good. i can finally write, write and write without worries. i can finally write what is deep in my heart. what bothers me and what makes me, me.

so don’t suppress yourself just for the sake of others. find out who you are, find all your little missing puzzle pieces. take a stand for what makes you, you.

A Midnight Writing Thingamabob…

I haven’t done this in a while. I thought I would though, cause I feel the need too..

I feel like I’ve been kind of negative. Writing negatively about my past, my present. About how my hopes are shutting down..

I know it’s not the best side of me. There is a lot about myself that need to be fixed. At times I get a wave of negativity and I act upon it without thinking. I get so angry and I get blinded with that anger.

Most times it’s one of my warnings of period. A week or two before, it hits me. My hormones are on a high and I can’t stop it!

In the past it was hard to figure out why I was suddenly lashing out the way I was. Little things would bother me, making me the most undesirable person to be around. Just like the hulk, the tiny kitten turning into a big lion. Yelling at anyone who comes to close.

Those were only the worse case scenarios. The calm ones, the ones I wish I get more often, are when I am super emotional. The only way to cure them is to read a good book or watch a good movie. But the one condition to those outlets are: they have to make me cry. I never felt truely better till I cried out to my hearts content.

I guess I should fix that, cause honestly, it’s only when I’m getting my period that I get this mad. Especially just out of nowhere.

There are regrets I get when I realize that it was my hormones taking control of my emotions. I get mad at myself when I am lashing out at people who never really deserved it in the first place.

As I’ve stated many times before, my annual goal is to never say negative things about people or to people or just in general. It really does make a person feel that much better. In the past two years, since I decided to do this, I’ve felt more better about myself; compared to the three years before that.

When I was younger I never really had all these crazy symptoms or signs of ovulation. I never got cramps or the crazy emotions. Yet the cramps started, and let me tell you, it was a bitch and I if I could, I would lay in a hot room all day. I felt like I was going crazy when the emotional “PMS” thing came along. I could see where the statement  of“Are you PMS right now? Is that why you’re so angry?” came from. But honestly, that anger, it comes from something rather than the vagina talking. And, all that anger takes place BEFORE even getting the actual period…