Category Archives: Struggle

Moving Out

In my culture, there is only two reasons for a girl to be leaving her parents house. One, she is going to marry and she leaves to join her husband’s family. Two, and this one is very unlikely and still hard to see through, she leaves for a better college life.

And the thing is, I don’t fit into any of those categories.

Here is the first thing, I don’t plan on getting married. And this is going to sound contradicting, but I’m not ruling it out either. It’s just that I am not in a place of mind to be thinking about marriage. Marriage, for me, doesn’t mean completion. Marriage, for me, doesn’t mean that life is finally starting. But marriage, for me, doesn’t mean that I am going to be forever stuck as well.

I just haven’t found the person I would like to be forever with, nor do I think it is the time to start looking. When it happens it will happen and I know that there will be no regrets.

Here’s the second thing, I’ve tried college living at home. It doesn’t lead to anything other than depression. The first time I hit depression so hard, it took me months to get over it. The second time I tried my best to not be depressed, but it still came. I have to admit, I’m scared. College scares me. I know I can be good at it, but I know it come with a price as well.

So here is the final question, why am I moving out?

Why am I moving out?

Why?

My parents don’t want me to leave. Honestly, I could live the rest of my life at home and my parents would be okay with it. But do you see the issue with that? I could live THE REST OF MY LIFE at my parents house.

And I know, I know. Who wouldn’t love to live a life full of safety nets? I can buy and do whatever I want, whenever I want, and life would be peachy cause I have parents who takes care of all the bills. Who wouldn’t want that?!

Heck, this is one of the reasons why I waited 24 years before I was pushed into this decision.

Here is another part of this story. I have been conditioned into staying to protect my parents. For over 8 to 9 years all everyone has ever told me was that my parents needed me. And I believed it. My parents relied on me for everything. I had to grow up and I had to change myself over and over again just to satisfy their needs.

But then, you know what happened, my parents mentally and verbally abused me. For years they manipulated their words, and threatened my every thought and action. I couldn’t do anything. All my actions, whether they were purely good or slightly ill intent, were shot down.

I couldn’t even be my own person. I had to be my parents daughter. I had to be the face of my family. I had to be perfect.

That doesn’t sound so bad right? Being perfect.

But perfect is not who I am. I am flawed. And I am perfectly fine with being flawed.

So, what does that have with me moving out? I’ve been wanting to move out since the notion entered my mind when I was 16/17. But I was scared. I’ve been scared of leaving my parents. I’ve been scared of leaving everything I have ever known about my life. My normal was going to be shattered.

My parents need me but don’t want me. My parents want me but don’t need me. It is always one or the other.

They have the need to feel like everything is in their control. So they say things and do stuff that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And I need to get away from that.

It’s honestly not as bad as it sounds. I’m not in a horrible place. But I don’t feel like I’m really living. I may live in their house, but it isn’t my home. I may have a room, but it really isn’t my room. My parents still feel like they can roam through my junk when they feel like it. And it may just be junk, but it is my junk.

I’m a very private person, other than me writing about my life all the time. But there are limits to my private life. I don’t like knowing that I don’t have a safe spot. And right now, I don’t have a safe spot at all.

So, even though it was my sister’s idea to move out, I am now taking the lead. Even though it was my sister’s plan, I am taking the brute of the aftermath. My parents are acting as if I was the mastermind behind the decision.

My parents know that I am not like any of their other children. I am the one to go out of pattern. The one who may follow their every order but the one to go against every plan they also have.

So, why am I moving out?

I am tired of being pushed and pulled. I am tired of having these expectations without information about what is really going on.

I am tired of not being in control of my life.

These Times are Hard

That is lyrics of a song playing while I thought about titles. Times aren’t hard at all. I’m just having to make decisions for my life.

Last semester, I had to deal with work, school, family, and personal stuff. The stress from it almost drove me crazy.

It was holiday season and I was working almost everyday for over 8 hours. I had to, we had gotten new people, who were airheads, and I felt like the place was going to fall into pieces if I wasn’t there.

I was into my second semester of my first year, and I was freaking out that I was not going to make it. I was scared that I was going to fall back into the person I used to be. The girl who was too scared to show up for class, so I just didn’t go. The expectations were too great, and I too minsulate to be there of any importance.

Since it was the holidays, family were always in talks of what was going on. This year, thankfully, my younger sister took the liberty of handling Secret Santa. But my other sisters would not concentrate on when we would meet, as if to avoid the subject. They wanted us to wait for them, but they didn’t want to be there…

I was having issues with my period… I was stressing so much, I missed a month. Then I tried to calm down enough to actually get it, and then I did. But I missed the month after… I struggled with it since I wanted to be healthy and happy. But how could I be healthy and happy when I was stressing out and not getting my period…

This semester is for difference. I plan on making big changes, to see how things go.

I decided that I was ready for the whole five classes. But to take those five classes, I knew I would have to change something about work. I decided that I was going to not work any day I had classes. I gave myself four days off from work, only to work Fri, Sat, and Sun.

It is something I need. I could not deal with going to school in the morning to receive assignments and know that I could not do them till I was done with work, only to have to be at school early again the next day. I don’t know why I did that to myself in the past.

I figured I could do with one less stressful thing.

I had worked there for five years. In those five years, I struggled through school for two years. One of those years were not successful and I worked through the last year and it was hard. The other three years, I struggled with personal family issues.

This year I want to do something different. The one thing [work] I put so highly, I will put down for a while and give myself time to work on other things.

There will be time in the future to work as hard as I do.