Nothing is Wrong with Loving Your Culture

it hurts me to write this…

i’ve always been an open minded person. i have always wanted to know MORE. i have this guilty pleasure of knowledge. and not only that, but i have this guilty pleasure of broadening my mind to different cultures.

i am Hmong, born in America. i am a Hmong American girl.

i grew up with TWO cultures. there are times when something from BOTH cultures don’t make sense to me. it is hard, to be made fun of for not understanding something from someone who was more exposed to that culture. it is hard, to be made fun of for liking something that another person does not take time to try and understand.

it is even harder when my Hmong siblings make fun of me, a Hmong girl, for liking Hmong music.

judgement on me, on who i am.

as a Hmong girl trying to make a name for myself, is it wrong to enjoy and encourage other Hmong artists that are on the same path as me, as all of us are?

because of this judgement, this sneer that would come my way, the disagreement of what is “good” and “bad”, i have been lost.

i am a lost Hmong American girl.

i love music and it makes me who i am.

yet i can’t even enjoy it when my family, my peers are judging me about it…

in this moment where i am lost, i have given in to the guilty pleasure of Hmong music and i have not regret it at all.

i can finally connect to something. relate to other Hmong communities, like finding a little lost piece of myself.

these past few days have been filled with nothing but good. i can finally write, write and write without worries. i can finally write what is deep in my heart. what bothers me and what makes me, me.

so don’t suppress yourself just for the sake of others. find out who you are, find all your little missing puzzle pieces. take a stand for what makes you, you.

Childhood Dreams

I sat there, listening to music, that carried my childhood in them. This particular night was like any other night of my life. Nothing special was going on. Other than procrastinating on homework, life was a yawn.

I closed my eyes and thought back to when I was a child. Back in California. When days were much simpler. When the only thing I had to worry about was coming home with bruises on my knees from playing with the boys at recess.

The days when my siblings and I didn’t get yelled at for playing in the sprinklers after school,  making our uniforms soaking wet. When all I had to do was read books after books.

And of course, that smile of my best friend.

I had missed a few days from spraining my ankle (jumping off my roof). And when I returned, she had greeted me with her big smile and told me that everyone missed me. We were inseparable.

But that was back in California.

My parents moved us to the great midwest, to the state of Wisconsin. Everything I ever knew changed. People were different there, my friends new. It was difficult to accept the change. Despite my difficulties, day after day, month after month, even though I yearned for my home in California, I was moving on.

I lost connection with my childhood friends, I lost what it was to be a Cali girl.

What did I become? A girl stuck in reality. Dreaming at night but forgetting to have dreams while I walked the grounds of Earth.

a girl sits in front of her computer screen

a girl sits in front of her computer screen

unaware of who she is

unaware of how she is supposed to

tell the world how she came to be

where she came from

why she does the things she does

days turn to weeks

weeks into years

but there is only

confusion after confusion

A Midnight Writing Thingamabob…

I haven’t done this in a while. I thought I would though, cause I feel the need too..

I feel like I’ve been kind of negative. Writing negatively about my past, my present. About how my hopes are shutting down..

I know it’s not the best side of me. There is a lot about myself that need to be fixed. At times I get a wave of negativity and I act upon it without thinking. I get so angry and I get blinded with that anger.

Most times it’s one of my warnings of period. A week or two before, it hits me. My hormones are on a high and I can’t stop it!

In the past it was hard to figure out why I was suddenly lashing out the way I was. Little things would bother me, making me the most undesirable person to be around. Just like the hulk, the tiny kitten turning into a big lion. Yelling at anyone who comes to close.

Those were only the worse case scenarios. The calm ones, the ones I wish I get more often, are when I am super emotional. The only way to cure them is to read a good book or watch a good movie. But the one condition to those outlets are: they have to make me cry. I never felt truely better till I cried out to my hearts content.

I guess I should fix that, cause honestly, it’s only when I’m getting my period that I get this mad. Especially just out of nowhere.

There are regrets I get when I realize that it was my hormones taking control of my emotions. I get mad at myself when I am lashing out at people who never really deserved it in the first place.

As I’ve stated many times before, my annual goal is to never say negative things about people or to people or just in general. It really does make a person feel that much better. In the past two years, since I decided to do this, I’ve felt more better about myself; compared to the three years before that.

When I was younger I never really had all these crazy symptoms or signs of ovulation. I never got cramps or the crazy emotions. Yet the cramps started, and let me tell you, it was a bitch and I if I could, I would lay in a hot room all day. I felt like I was going crazy when the emotional “PMS” thing came along. I could see where the statement  of“Are you PMS right now? Is that why you’re so angry?” came from. But honestly, that anger, it comes from something rather than the vagina talking. And, all that anger takes place BEFORE even getting the actual period…

Fool’s Paradise 01. My Other Self

Lily was on her way home after a long day of exercising. During the drive, she remembered the tar job being done on the driveway her dad was doing earlier that day. To make sure she wouldn’t disturb it drying, she decides to call her sister to check on the status of the tar.

“How far is the tar done?” Lily asked the moment Shina picked up.

Shina replies, “It’s all done. We finished it a while ago.”

“Okay, do you know how I should get into the parking lot? Did mom and dad say?” Lily asked, nearing the house.

“Yea, dad talked to the neighbor and we can use their drive way to get into the back.”

Lily felt relieved as she replied, “Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

Shina on the other line, went silent. “Shina? Did you hear me?”

When Lily’s sister did reply, she sounded scared, “But Lilith, didn’t you come home a while ago already? I was actually wondering why you called and not just come into the room…”

Lily’s mind was racing with all the possibilities, but to not scare her sister Lily replied, “You know what, I’m really tired, I’m sorry for calling out of nowhere. Just don’t worry about it.”

When she hears an unsure “Okay” from Shina, Lily hangs up. Speeding up a bit more, She hurries home to see what is waiting for her.

Both sisters knew each other well enough for Lily to know that Shina would call her bluff. Lily knew she was right as she pulled up to her house. Shina and their parents were outside, standing in a circle, on the porch, most likely whispering about the thing waiting for her.

Of course Shina told, she knew their parents would need to know what was going on. Lily just hoped the thing waiting for her didn’t know. Driving into the neighbor’s pathway, Lily goes over into their backyard parking area. Careful to not walk into the tar, Lily makes her way to the front of the house to join her family.

“Is Bae still inside?” Lily asks right away when she reaches them.

“Yes,” her father replies. “I’m sure he knows something is up, but he hasn’t said or done much yet.”

Lily nods, trying her best to seem nonchalant about it, like this was an everyday conversation, “Go shopping. We could use some stuff around the house.”

“What about you?” my mother has concern in her eyes, which Lily has not seen since they first found out about her abilities.

“I’ll be fine,” Lily say to her mother. I hope she thought to herself, Lily didn’t want them to worry. Her family had been waiting for this for a long time coming now and it was something they couldn’t shield her from.

Both her parents turned to head back in but she calls out to them, “Dad, Mom.” They stop in their tracks to look back, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, just do what you have to,” replies her father before they retreat back into the house to grab what they need and to inform her brother.

Lily notices that her sister is still standing there beside her. She didn’t want any of them to stay and they all knew it. “What are you still doing here? You should be getting ready to leave too.”

She watches as the shock fills Shina’s face. Only than does Lily realize she used too much force in her words and regrets it right away.

With a sigh Lily tell her, “Sorry. Just go, please.”

Shina leaves Lily standing there, out in the dark with nothing but her thoughts.

The memories start pouring back to her. Lily thinks of all those different times an elder or a gifted person came up to her.

She was 12 when her parents took the whole family to Chinatown, Chicago, for sightseeing and shopping. It was their first time walking that street. They must have gone back and forth 20 times that day, going in and out of different shops. It was midafternoon when it happened. An elderly Asian woman came up to Lily, while her family was walking on the sidewalk.

“You child, the things you will do when you grow up. Such great power, great but burdening powers,” the elder said to Lily with the saddest eyes she would never forget.

Lily’s parents didn’t think much of it, but they took a hold of their kids and they left those streets, and never did they go back. She remembered looking back to the little old lady just in time to see her disappear into thin air.

The little old lady was the first of many encounters. At times there would be people of all ages coming up to Lily, telling her the same thing, some who disappear without a trace.

There was the random guy at the grocery store trying to start up a conversation with her, earning her a drive home full of questions. The many weird encounters of her classmates finding her to be talking to nothing but thin air at school. All the events made her known to the whole school as weird, and Lily had to soon learn who was actually there or not.

It was starting to be a frequent thing every time Lilith left her house. Soon after these incidents, she never went out of the house, unless necessary. At a young age, Lily decided that she didn’t want to have to deal with outsiders anymore, and her parents reluctantly agreed to their daughter’s request.

Although she tried her best to avoid it, family elders were saying similar things to her. At family gatherings her gifted relatives would see her differently.

During the family’s New Year celebration, Lily was only 14 when things got serious. Her great grandpa was doing a blessing for the whole family. The entire clan on her dad’s side was over at her eldest uncle’s house, where her great grandpa lived.

Towards the end of the night, when all the families had left except for Lily’s, her great grandpa came up to her. Both families were in the living room, the parents chatting away, and the boys playing their games. Lily was sitting on the floor, in a circle of girls that consisted of Shina and their two cousins.

“Lily,” he called her over, “Come and have a talk with me and the parents.”

Lily wasn’t sure at the time what it was about, but she agreed to his request leaving the comfort of girl talk. Going towards the adults, she could see them quieting down as if they were expecting the talk beforehand. Sitting down on a foldable metal chair across from her parents, Lily looked towards her great grandpa who is sitting with his son, my grandpa. At the corner of her eye she could see the girls listening in on the conversation that was about to commence.

“You are aware of what journey lies for your daughter?” my great grandpa started, addressing her parents.

“Yes,” her dad responded taking a small glance at Lily, then looking back at his grandpa, “We’ve talked to some people, and have decided to come to you for advice. We are not sure why our daughter is chosen. But because she is already tied to that destiny, we would like to know what path to take to help her.”

“She will need a lot of help. We need to find the right people to train her.”

Lily’s dad showed no shock as he was expecting the answer he got from his grandpa. He quietly nods, “I’ve talked to a few friends and they are willing to help. I hope this will be enough for now, the rest she will have to do on her own in her own time.”

They were talking as if she was not there. It felt wrong, to be asked into this conversation but to be talked about as if she didn’t have any say or thought in the decision. When Lily spoke up, she let a little too much of her emotions show, a mix of anger, fear, and confusion, “What is going on? Why do I have to train, what am I training for?”

Lily did have an idea though. How could she not? She had seen and talked to people who weren’t really there. Not to her surprise, Lily is told what she would have to train for.

“To fight,” her great grandpa said finally, looking at her, “you have a gift, a horrible gift.”

“I know,” Lily responded. “They all tell me this, each and every spirit and human I’ve encountered always says that one sentence. I still don’t know what this gift is though.”

“Your gift,” he said with a pause, “is unknown to this world and may never be known. And because you are something different, you are in danger. You are able to see spirits, demons, evil, and in turn they are able to see you. To protect yourself, you have to learn as much as you can, as soon as you can. When the time comes, we are not going to be able to protect you anymore. It will come when least expected and there is no telling how things are going to be after. Prepare and live life that fate gave you.”

Lily sat there with no emotion, her life forever changed in that one moment. The dreams she had as a child are all shot down because destiny has other plans for her.

Seven years later, Lily is facing her first encounter. Just like Lily’s deceased great grandpa said, it came without warning. She is ready from the years of training, but her heart is still pounding, on the verge of jumping out.

Standing on the porch of her house, Lily looked into the open doorway, taking it all in on what was finally happening. Taking a breath, she makes her way into the house.

Lily feels it before going in. The presence it makes in the house is overwhelming. Taking calm steps into her home, she prepares her mind for what is to come. Lily’s older brother Bae is ready and waiting. She goes up to him and he gives her a hug.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” He whispers into her ear.

“If you stay, I’ll just be more worried,” Lily whispers back into his ear.

“It knows that you are here, so much for a surprise attack.”

She looks up at him in surprise, “You can feel it too?”

“Sis, you aren’t the only one who has spiritual powers. Although, I have to admit, yours’ is a lot stronger than mines, but we can talk about it later.”

Lily gave him one last squeeze and lets him go. Walking into the kitchen, she decided she wanted a glass of water.

Right before the kitchen on the left is the hallway into the bedrooms, and her room is the first on the right. Lily sees her parents and Shina coming down from their rooms, as they walk by her room they look at the closed door as if it was the spirit itself. She takes a glance at it too, kind of nervous and strangely excited at the same time. Lily gets her glass of water and follows them outside.

When they reach the front yard, Lily takes the first refreshing gulp of water. Looking at her family, she tells them to go, “I’ll be okay, you guys know. I’ll call you guys later.”

Lily takes another gulp as she watches them get into the car, and finish the whole cup as they drive away.

Taking a deep breath of the spring night breeze, Lily turns into her house, relieved that her family was out of the way. She closes the front door, leaving only the unknown spirit and herself alone in the house. It is quiet, and she takes it as a bad sign. As Lily sets the glass cup on the desk that is in the living room, she hears it, the sound of her bedroom door opening. Lily stands there, waiting, wearing heels, jeans, and a plain sapphire blue t-shirt.

Without blinking, Lily watches the spirit who disguised itself in her form walk into the living room. The spirit is without heels, not even wearing shoes at all, a white flowing skirt, and an almost similar top. Her black hair is overflowing, falling longer than Lily’s, it was clumped and greasy looking. The look on her face makes Lily shudder. She has a grin plastered on and she is glaring in Lily’s direction. Lily is shocked at how she makes her face looks, all the evil it conveyed. The spirit’s arms are swaying with no energy, and it seemed like it was taking all the energy to keep her head up.

“Little girl has been expecting Sem?” The spirit said in a hoarse man’s voice.

Lily is shocked but it soon goes away as all she could think at the moment is to get to her room. That is where her swords were kept, and they were the only things that would make the spirit disappear for good. Or at least that was supposed to do the job. Lily wasn’t sure about the theory. She was going to take a stab in the dark and fight this “Sem” without the swords first. Because, at the moment the thing standing in Lily’s way, to the sword, was the spirit.

“For a really long time now,” Lily replied, making small talk, “How exactly did you find me?”

He smiled at Lily, and in a proud smile he stated, “Sem was flying above and smelled you. Everyone was busy flying away, but not Sem. Sem came to take what Sem needs.”

Lily thought it would be hard, trying to kill a replica of her, but this look that Sem was giving her motivated her to get rid of him even more. Waiting for the spirit to come at Lily, he does, slowly like he needs to think about how to move his legs. Not keeping her guard down, Lily gets into a ready stance.

Sem stares Lily down as he makes his way to her. He takes his first step, but as he moved, it turned into five, and he made his way closer to Lily faster than she anticipated. Sem takes another step and is almost flying in her direction. Right before he makes contact with Lily, she had a surprise for Sem. Reaching into her back, hidden under her shirt, there is a dagger hidden, something Lily had been getting into the habit of doing for years. Bringing it forward with her right arm and swinging it at Sem, Lily hoped to get him in the gut, but Sem is quicker than he looks and dodges it before it makes contact.

Once Sem was out of the way, Lily is on the move, running around him, making her way to the archway leading into the hallway. She doesn’t make it far, only taking a few steps before she is slowed down. Her body wanted to move forward, but a force wouldn’t let her, as it brought her back. Lily looks back to see Sem with an outstretched hand. The pull on her doesn’t stop until she connects with Sem’s body. The outstretched hand wrapped itself around Lily’s chest and the other free hand pulled Lily’s head back as Sem grabbed a handful of her hair.

“How dare you try to run away from Sem,” he said into her ear.

Using her heels, Lily slammed it down on Sem’s unprotected feet. It was unexpected for him and he let out a howl as he threw her away. Lily was thrown to the floor, yet she knew she couldn’t stay down there for long, so she picked herself back up. Sem was swearing left and right as he jumped up and down from the pain.

She once again tried to get to her room but was unsuccessful as she was thrown across the room with a force. Lily was sure that Sem wasn’t even touched her at all. Crashing into the wall on her right, she falls down hard to the floor. Lily takes a moment, lying on the floor of her living room in shock of reality. Looking up, Lily searches for Sem, and her guess is correct, Sem is standing a few feet away from her, impossible for him to throw Lily. Sem looks over at Lily with that grinning glare as if it was too easy.

Getting to her feet, Lily swishes her hair that is falling down from its ponytail. Lily has a few scratches, but nothing she can’t handle.

“I guess I have to weaken you up a bit, huh?” Lily says to him, as she gets a good hold on her dagger. Lily takes stance, getting ready for another attack.

Sem is charging at Lily again as she talked to him.  Getting closer he looks as if he is ready to tear Lily’s body into two. Lily ducks down and drags her dagger through Sem’s left leg. He lets out an ear piercing scream in agony. His leg is covered in a dark substance and it is streaming from the cut Lily just gave him. Lily hoped it wouldn’t stain the carpet.

It was just a momentary win, as he uses the same leg to kick her in the face. Lily falls backward onto the carpet. Sem grabs her by her shirt and pulls her back up, he doesn’t even wait has he starts punching Lily in any place he can get. It was worse than being thrown against the wall. Every strike got heavier, leaving dark spots, Lily knew was going to show up later, all over her body.

I’m going to die. So much for my destiny, it only comes down to my first fight. I am a disappointment, and I put too much faith in myself.

In Lily’s lowest point of the fight, there was no way of pulling herself back. She intended to sit back and be overwon by this evil spirit. Her eyelids felt heavy and she allowed them to close as memories overcame her. All the people she would miss and the all the moments in her life she would never again experience.

The grip on her let go and Lily fell to the ground once more. There was no other choice than to lay there and let the process continue in Sem’s order. Her doppelganger stood above her and started to chant words unknown to Lily. Laying there she listened, but she soon heard another voice.

“You are stronger than this. There is still more for you. Get up and fight. There are times when you will fall down like tonight and days when it hurts even more than this, but you do have a choice. You have the choice to be better than anything you go up against. So you stand up right now and you kill this evil son of a bastard.”

She opened her eyes and looked for the source of the voice and found no body other than Sem, who was still chanting over her. For the first time since she started on this journey, Lily was finally feeling lighter than ever. From ten minutes ago when she was on the verge of dying, she was now feeling so alive.

While Sem was busy chanting, Lily takes her chance. There was no plan, just action, as she jumped up and stabs him deep in his body, right in the heart. Sem stops whatever he was saying as he stiffened up. Looking down at his new wound, Lily pulls out her dagger, letting sem’s black blood ooze out of his chest.

Sem looks up at Lily and back down at his wound, only to look up at Lily again. “Is this the best you can do?”

With his last sentence, Sem stumbles and fall backward. Lily watches him down on the floor, to see if there was any signs of breathing. She wondered if this was it. Was her first fight over that quickly? Was it so easy to kill this evil spirit?

Just as she was done convincing herself of the job done, Sem wakes up. With a startle, he takes in a deep breath, chest lifting up from the floor.

She doesn’t wait to see him get to his feet as she flees to her room. It was foolish to think it was easy to deal with.

School: Let the Stress Begin

Since school started, I’ve gotten sick, over tired and the most recent on that is still bother me, a cold sore. I knew it was going to be stressful but this is a new level. Every other week is something new. The semester isn’t even half way done yet.

This is going to be an overstatement but it’s a true one. I understand that professors are supposed to give out homework to the standards of schools goals for students. But do they not realize that students have more than one class. So not only do we have 4-5 classes, but we might even have a job, we might have friends and family we want to see, we might need to eat, sleep and honestly shower. Even more, some students have kids to worry about as well.

We get all this stuff piled on our shoulders and our minds are revolving around 12 different things and they still expect us to be sane enough to pay attention in class.

Take my english class for example.  my professor gave us a research assignment to do and the next day we were given ANOTHER research assignment. So while we are working on the second one, we have to be thinking about the first one. On top of that, I was working on the first big essay for my other english class. And I had a math quiz also.

But honestly that isn’t so bad. I went through everything quite all right. I just worry a lot. I worry too much sometimes. Hence getting overly tired, and sick.

I know I’ve just passed over a small big bump of the semester, and there is probably going to be a lot more I’m going to be up against. So I’ve decided to have a different outlook. If I don’t, I don’t think I will be able to finish up the semester with a straight mind. Or a good healthy body.

I’ve been stressing out and have been looking negatively at everything. If I didn’t think I was going to be stressing then I wouldn’t have be so negative. In the past, when I’ve gotten all these symptoms, I’ve looked them up. I’ve tried my best to keep up my health so I was not at all happy when the flu/cold struck me or my lip starts hurting up into a cold sore. Stress is one of the biggest factor in them.

So I’m going to turn this around. I cannot be going day by day worrying when I am sick. I do believe that after these 6 last weeks, I will be able to go up against school work stress free. Plus I need to take some time out of the week to relax and do something fun.

My After Effects Of Depression

I haven’t been able to think straight for a while now. After school ended my goal was to find myself and figure out the reason why I went back to school. I didn’t know it would actually consist of losing myself in the process.

I am lost. Everyday that I don’t work was supposed to be a day full of writing. I wanted to write every moment I could. But I can’t, my heart isn’t in it. I was writing and having thoughts of writing almost everyday when I was in school. Now I can’t even sit down to think about it.

I feel like I am nothing since I have nothing to do everyday. Going to classes was my life for those five months. Now that school is done, I’ve gone back to the girl who has nothing to wake up to anymore.

My reasons for going to school is still the same and the motivation is still the same too. I guess I just added another reason to wanting to go. I want to wake up to something to look forward too. I want to wake up early with a full list of schedules.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m not having nightmares, I’m not staying up to look forward to anything, I just can’t sleep. I lay there and hope to knock out but my mind won’t let me.

I’ve been thinking about my after effects of depression.

For a person who never cared about timing, I started to do things in a timely matter. One of the biggest was leaving for work at a certain time. Small things were doing things at 1, 1:15, 1:30, or 1:45. I don’t know why, but I would always look for a time marker.

I don’t do it as much anymore. I know for a fact that it started when I hit depression stage and I wanted to get rid of that habit. I try to take life as it is and not worry as much as I did anymore.

There was this one time in the past when I thought was over my depression, and this habit hadn’t disappeared yet. I was getting ready for work, and when I went outside to my car, it was gone. I came back inside screaming my head off, wondering where and who took my car. I found out from my sisters that it was my mother and I was angry! It was my time to leave and I had no other way to get to work. It felt like my life was out of my control! I started to cry and bawl my eyes out over this fact.

I cried in front of my sisters. I didn’t even know why I did that in the past. But when I think of it now, I guess it was the fact that I was screaming out to them that I wasn’t fine. I needed help, I needed my sisters to help. But I am the black sheep of the family, and everyone is scared to ask me how I am feeling unless I talk to them first. So life went on. My mother came back and I left later than I did normally for work. I was still angry but I did make it in on time.

The sleeping thing is another side effect of my depression. Like I said, I used to have nightmares. It sucked even more since I remembered them, all of them. They weren’t of monsters or anything like that. The people, who had a cause in my depression, they were ignoring me in my dreams. Even though I wasn’t acting any different, even though I was trying my hardest to get things back to the way it was before, nothing was working. They still ignored me and left me out. And it may sound silly but it really hurt me. Even in my dreams they were still causing me pain.

Ever since I started those dreams I’ve been scared to sleep. I started to sleep later and later every night. I would wait till I was crazy tired, unable to keep my eyes open tired, then finally I would fall asleep.

The last one may be the biggest for me. I can’t help but become a hermit crab again. There is no reason to go out. There is no reason to socialize with other human beings. I feel like even though I try to look more approachable, people just don’t want to talk with me.

I don’t even want a boyfriend at the moment, I just want people to acknowledge that I am alive and worthy of talking to. Make me realize that all human beings aren’t bad, since I’ve lost all hope in men already…

Another thing that has been bothering me is the fact that my memory is horrible. I was the girl who remembered everybodies birthdays and sent out cards ahead of time. I was the girl who people could rely on to have everything. But now I refer to myself has the girl who has a memory of a goldfish. Someone could say something to me and I would forget it in the next three seconds.

And in trying to forget what made my depression happen, I forgot a lot of things that happened around that same time. I even went further back and forgot most of my high school years. People could ask me about things that happened to me back in 09’ and I wouldn’t know.

Except, I would remember random weird things. Like the fact that my parents wanted body pillows and a year later I would buy one for each of them. Or the random little conversations I had that weren’t that important.

I’ve become a different person since then. For better or for worse, I live with it and do my best every day.

Yea I’m weird, I’m random, I’m shy, I’m awkward, I’m an ice princess, I’m boring, I’m strange. I’m a lot of things…


Going Bald…

There was an idea behind this. I don’t know what, but it was there. The Christmas before I turned 21, I put into my phone of how I wanted to shave off my hair. On my 21st birthday. I had seven months to really think about it, but I knew I was dead set on this goal.

Yet, when it came to my 21st birthday, I didn’t do it. I went out and did the normal twenty-one year old scenario.

A year passed, and still the thought of shaving my head was floating around. But, as it turns out, it was not going to be the year.

But this year came about. I knew if I wanted to go bald, this was the last chance I was going to get. I had to do it while I was young, before I regretted not doing it sooner.

I got over my depression, I was on the path to figuring out who I am. I was happy.

I got the courage to finally let my sisters on the in about my goals.

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We came to an agreement of baby steps. And not soon after, I went in to get a pixie cut.

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I was happy, but still, the lingering thoughts of being bald bothered me.

After my hair grew out, we thought again about a new haircut. This time, I wanted to go shorter,

It was the day before my birthday and I wanted to go all the way this time. But I was pulled back by my sister again. We cut it short but not all the way.

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Soon after it was like the world was messing with me. My nephew and niece got to the razors and decided to give themselves a haircut. They had to go bald.

I watched the ending of Legend of Korra, and Jinora fulfilled her wishes of becoming a airmaster, getting the chance to go bald,

I was thinking of Doctor Who and remembered that Matt Smith went bald.

So I messaged my sister again.

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After three months of talking about it, I was finally going to get my wish. My sister was agreeing to help me out in my goal.

And finally, after two plus years, I got to fulfill one of my life goals.

My before:

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And, finally, my after…

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Society tell us girls should have long hair. To be a woman, you have to have a head full of hair. To be pretty and wanted, you have to have a long lock of hair. In my culture, a good girl has long hair.

For me to cut my hair, I am going against all reasons.

There is no beauty on the outside unless there is beauty on the inside.

I love myself regardless of how my hair looks. I will love myself through this experience. ‘Cause I will weed out those who still stick with me even though I look different.

(P.S. I am super happy how it turned out. I love how I look and feel. That’s all that should matter. Run and chase your goals, fight for your happiness.)

 

Take Two: Love

From four months ago, a lot has changed. I definitely have a different out take on love. I have seen the bigger picture to the pros and cons of love. That means, even though I have many good thoughts on love now, I still have and gained more insight on how hard love can be.

Each person is different, making each relationship different. There is no comparison with each other. As there is free will in the world, people have different expectations of others and situations.

I have read many books and have seen many films. I have allowed myself to have a crush, which may seem weird but I’ve avoided affections for another person for a long time now.

I can honestly say that the thought of love is in a good place for me. In my prior writing, I did not see it possible for me to find someone worthy of love. But now I am willing to give it a chance.

As I’ve said to myself in the past, even though I am happy being single, if the chance comes by of being in a relationship I wouldn’t pass it up.

Love, it is a four letter word, but it needs more than one lifetime to explain the meaning behind the word.

And although it is difficult to be in love at times, that is the chances a person has got to make when being in love.

In my first writing about love, I mentioned “Eleanor and Park” by Rainbow Rowell. I finished the book with good thoughts on their relationship.

Since then, I’ve come to accept love stories better.

There is an Asian drama, called “Fated To Love You”. A very comedic, romantic and life changing drama. During this drama, I found myself to cry for the first time in a long time. I knew it was going to happen but I didn’t know how much it would effect me.

Never has crying made my eyes hurt in the past. But the morning after, I couldn’t even open my eyes right.

I’ve only started to open up to the possibilities of love. And it may take a while for the whole concept of love to make sense to me, but I am willing to keep going.

First love and love at first sight is still a topic I still have to think about.

Society has fantasied first love to the point of falling in love a second time or third time has become incoherent to others. Love at first sight is such a dream, young people want it for themselves.

But enough of this. I am happy for myself. I have grown up in ways I never thought of doing.

I still may never understand why people give each other such cheesy nicknames, but I can understand why people fight for love and why it’s such a big life change.