03.03.13

I didn’t think I was still depressed, but it seems like it is still here. This has been following me around for a year and a half now. It has been a year now that I have gotten a bit better but now, all of sudden, I am in the schedule I was before. Wake up, stay in bed, get ready in bed, try to eat something in bed, take a shower, go to work, come back, stay in my room, on the computer in bed, sleep (or try to at least), wake up and go back to work. I either stay hidden from the world or am at work. I talk to no one but to the people who I have to at work. I even stay hidden from my family.

At first it was because I didn’t want my family to know, and I was ashamed. But this time around, they are starting to become the reason for my depression.

Every time I see someone it is always, “Lucy, do this.” “Lucy, do that.” “Lucy, give me that.” “Lucy, I want this.” “Lucy, why are you not good enough!”

There is always a demand, a want, a need. So I give it all, and I try my best at it too, because I hate not giving it my all. I receive nothing or little in return, which is fine with me. I love quotes and one of them is “to give more than you receive”.

Yet there is a time when you get sick of it, and I am sick of it. For the last two years, I have lost all my time, and not only time, but also money. I have nothing to show for the last two years of work. Only have I started to save this year and still there is not much.

I was supposed to take time away to be a good sister, and to find myself. But being a good sister took all the time, and I’m not even sure I did a good job of that. At first I thought I was doing great. Then it became too much about money, and buying all their needs and wants. I started to become their mother. Driving them where they wanted and needed to be. Taking in all the whines and giving in to what they wanted.

When all I want is to live a normal life, they are expecting so much out of me. Why is it so bad to just live a normal life? Does having a diploma from college have to be considered normal?

I’ve even distanced myself from my extended family. As much as they are all great, sometimes they get on my nerves so bad. Sadly they are the reason to me going into depression. Right now, I am not in contact with any of them, and I am actually okay with it.

They also had expectations out of me. All my older sisters are married, and my older brother has a severe case of ADHD, so I was left the oldest. My dad being the oldest too, I had a lot of responsibilities that I was not ready for at the young age of 18/19. Yet I took them all. I had to grow up fast and my rebellion age was taken away from me. I grew up and at times I practically ran the house when my mom was not in her right state of mind.

With this depression running around, it didn’t help that I was single for so long too. I started to see myself as never going to find that special someone. I’ve had “boyfriends” but I was young and still experimenting on what I expected in a boyfriend. Those two “boyfriends” ended in a month or a little over a month. Looks never was a big factor to me. But their personality and life style threw me off.

I sit here in my room, staring at Korean boys, waiting for a boy to come to me and sweep me off my feet. I realize that it doesn’t do me any good and that I should be out there, but I still don’t much about it.

Why? Because I saw how my parents reacted with my other sisters boyfriends. And as much as I want to believe that if a boy loved me enough, he would put up with it and stay, I actually don’t want to put someone I love through that, unless I was serious about him or trying to scare him off.

So I’m waiting until I move out, but I have to wonder if that is going to make a big difference at all. I have these day dreams where I am living away from home and I go out and out of nowhere I have a boyfriend, but will it be that easy?

The topic of moving out comes out. I have been trying to do so since I graduated high school, but it hasn’t happened yet. Because I have no money, it has been donated to the needy sisters/family. I am trying and hoping to move out this year, but it keeps being delayed month by month. I want to wait for the snow to end, but it is March already and there is supposed to be a snow storm tonight! Then in April my parents are going out of the country for the whole month. So now I have to wait for May.

I guess it doesn’t help when I fall in love with all the wrong people. Sorry for the random tangent…

Growing up, I see things around me and I learn from it and remember them for a long time. I saw such independent ladies when they were single. Yet when they got with a guy, their level of insecurity shot down and they changed.

I’ve been independent for all my life. So when people actually start caring… I am confused as what to do. How do I explain myself for them to understand? When I don’t even understand myself?

My past makes me, but my future molds me. I am me because of my past. I distance myself in fear of what people will think. I walk through a crowd of people with a cold stone face because I don’t care what they think.

Who am I? What makes me, ME!? When I was younger, all the older ladies would praise my looks. I have nothing to prove though, being single for all my life. Should a man prove my beauty though? Can’t I be beautiful and independent?

I am never happy? Or where did my happiness go? Or maybe it is because that happiness was never there in the first place. Is it wrong that I am tired of being happy? Tired of pleasing people with an image of what people want to see.

Don’t miss judge though, because I am not depressed, sad, mad, or even angry. In fact I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I am socially awkward. Even I admit it. But do I have to go and explain myself to everyone? Do I have to shout to the world that the words are there, but they are a jumbled mess, because I have three to four different things going on in my mind at once?