Going Bald…

There was an idea behind this. I don’t know what, but it was there. The Christmas before I turned 21, I put into my phone of how I wanted to shave off my hair. On my 21st birthday. I had seven months to really think about it, but I knew I was dead set on this goal.

Yet, when it came to my 21st birthday, I didn’t do it. I went out and did the normal twenty-one year old scenario.

A year passed, and still the thought of shaving my head was floating around. But, as it turns out, it was not going to be the year.

But this year came about. I knew if I wanted to go bald, this was the last chance I was going to get. I had to do it while I was young, before I regretted not doing it sooner.

I got over my depression, I was on the path to figuring out who I am. I was happy.

I got the courage to finally let my sisters on the in about my goals.

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We came to an agreement of baby steps. And not soon after, I went in to get a pixie cut.

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I was happy, but still, the lingering thoughts of being bald bothered me.

After my hair grew out, we thought again about a new haircut. This time, I wanted to go shorter,

It was the day before my birthday and I wanted to go all the way this time. But I was pulled back by my sister again. We cut it short but not all the way.

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Soon after it was like the world was messing with me. My nephew and niece got to the razors and decided to give themselves a haircut. They had to go bald.

I watched the ending of Legend of Korra, and Jinora fulfilled her wishes of becoming a airmaster, getting the chance to go bald,

I was thinking of Doctor Who and remembered that Matt Smith went bald.

So I messaged my sister again.

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After three months of talking about it, I was finally going to get my wish. My sister was agreeing to help me out in my goal.

And finally, after two plus years, I got to fulfill one of my life goals.

My before:

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And, finally, my after…

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Society tell us girls should have long hair. To be a woman, you have to have a head full of hair. To be pretty and wanted, you have to have a long lock of hair. In my culture, a good girl has long hair.

For me to cut my hair, I am going against all reasons.

There is no beauty on the outside unless there is beauty on the inside.

I love myself regardless of how my hair looks. I will love myself through this experience. ‘Cause I will weed out those who still stick with me even though I look different.

(P.S. I am super happy how it turned out. I love how I look and feel. That’s all that should matter. Run and chase your goals, fight for your happiness.)

 

Hard to be Happy

It is hard to be happy.

I should just stop trying.

But there is a reputation to uphold!

Who the fuck cares about a reputation!

But wait, who am I really doing this for?

Why the hell do I even try to be so nice to everybody for?

Oh yea…

Those people who conceived, birthed, and took care of me till now.

They are the only reason why I am still living at home, why I still act nice to our other family members, the only reason why I haven’t fallen back into my deep hole of depression.

But it is so hard…

When they can’t let go of the past.

When they can’t stop caring about how everybody else views them.

It makes it hard for them to be a happy person.

Thus, making it hard for me to be a happy person.

Life Goal: Going Bald/Buzz Cut

Tonight I feel like going crazy. I’ve been thinking about life goals all day. I want to be bald once in my life. I don’t care if I’ll be judged. I don’t care about all the negativity that will be involved after. I just want to live my life the way I want to.

I’ve been considering it since 2012 and now I can’t stop thinking about it. This choice of mine is making me go crazy.

The only thing I’m seeking now is support.

What would people say.. This short Asian girl. Being Bald…

 

Dear CB, My Biggest Regret In Life

Dear CB,

We haven’t seen each other in a long time. When we finally did bump in to each other, I was in shock, I was unstable. I was scared and was shaking in fear.

Life for me at the moment is going good. So when you popped back up, it made me remember. I do have regrets in life. Life was teasing me, shaking something in front of my face, telling me that I had missed opportunities.

You are the biggest regret in my life. I regretted not ever knowing what your favorite color is. Who your role models are, what your dreams and goals are in life. I regret not knowing who your favorite actress and singer is so that I could get jealous over it.

Back in my school years, I did not have the best of knowledge about boys. I thought I did, but I didn’t. In my younger days, I was traumatized from experiences I had with boys. I was teased by boys since elementary. Ever since then, I never knew if boys were teasing me or trying to give me hints.

I believe that you changed everything for me. It was from you that I opened up my eyes and realized that people might actually like me. The first boy to learn how to say ‘I love you’ in my native language. The first boy to offer me anything from the dollar menu from McDonalds. The first boy to flirt with me.

But I was so stupid. My choices made without thought. I was so caught up in the actions around me. Believing that I may end up like everyone else. So I gave you a bullshit answer on why we couldn’t go out. It was the biggest regret of my life.

I know better now. Even though I am scared to get hurt, the hurt would be worth it for all the beautiful memories. In the end, I should never compare my life to others. I am my own person, who can do things to change an outcome if I wish. I wish I could have the courage to find you and tell you this, but I may just be another girl to you now…

There is nothing else but wishes of happiness for you. I hope you find the one who will give you everything you could ever expect. I hope you have the best of your life, because after everything I put you through, you deserve it.

Sincerely, LY