No Sleep Writing

Girls, be scared. I can make your boyfriend fall in love with me in matter of minutes and he may just leave you over the fact that he can’t stop thinking about me.

Boys, be scared. I befriend girls easily, they may just turn lesbian for me, and leave you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had stayed up all night, and I wrote that up there. I guess I write my thoughts out more when I am tired…

I’m going to try and explain this. It is actually really easy to explain.

A big majority of my cousins are girls. Every time one of them gets a boyfriend, I feel like I get a warning to step back and understand the fact that they are taken. Like, WOAH, am I that much of a horrible person that I would take a man my cousin is interested in…

A boy was coming to visit my cousin and she literally told me to back off and that he was hers.

 

My best friend told me her boyfriend, at the time, didn’t want her to hang out with me cause I might turn her ‘lesbian’,,, As if I had this magic power to do so….

A Sad Sunday Story

Sad Sunday Story…!

For the holiday season we always get seasonal people. We rarely ever get men on the floor with us, and this year there was a new guy. Up to this point in my life, I don’t really care about men at work, they are just co-workers. I see them as friends.

Today I was working at the jewelry counter. I was basically stuck to that counter since we aren’t really allowed to leave. The new guy, whom I will name Phil for privacy reasons, was greeting people in the store. That is his main job, to walk through the store and greet people. He is good at it. Phil is friendly and very talkative. Although he is good at what he does, Phil doesn’t like greeting people for hours on end.

Back to the point…

I was stuck in jewelry,  and Phil is walking the floor. We talked here and there, mindless chit chatter just to kill time. I don’t think much of it since I talk to a lot of my co-workers.

But this conversation started to change…

“How long have you been here for?” Phil asked.

“Five years,” I answered, nodding at the crazy number, “But it’s a good place to be.”

“Yes it is, I agree,” he replied.

“Yup. I started when I was 19. Now I’m pretty old.”

“No. Not at all. 24 is not old at all.”

Here I forgot that I was actually 18 when I started, so I gave him a wrong age…

“Yeah I guess.”

“24 is a good age to be.”

“Sure.”

“Yeah, it seems like a lot of people have been here for a while.”

“There are a few of us. Yes,” I said.

“Anna (again, a fake name) has been here four years.”

I thought about it and agreed to the right years of my co-workers working years.

Phil went on, “Ellen (yup another fake name) has been here for three.”

Again I nod and agree. He greets people as they walk by.

“Do you have a second job?” I ask him, “Many of the others, I know, also have second jobs.”

“No. no. This is the only thing I’m doing.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah. I’m actually writing a book.” He said. I get super interested, since it’s pretty out of the ordinary to find someone in the process of writing a story. And for someone to have the same interest as mine. “It takes up most of my time.”

“What is it about?” I continue to ask, just glad to kill time.

“It’s about,” Phil tells me, as he considers where to start, “a man. He is struggling through life, since a lot of bad things have happened to him, a lot of bad relationships. And so he is trying to find the reason why life is so bad and hoping to find happiness in the end. There is a lot of personal stuff and a lot of fiction in it. Not a lot of people have read my works. Only my younger brother, and he’s been saying a lot of exceptional things about it. He’s only 18. It’s been hard to find someone to exchange ideas with. A lot of things in the story has happened to me. I went through a bad marriage, very bad marriage. And after that, I was in a relationship. It was nice since I could throw ideas at her and to get creative feedback from her. But since then, it’s been hard to have no one there for me.”

While he tells his story, I nod and add in appropriate sounds of “okay and uh huh’s”

Phil continues to greet customers.

I had another question for him though, since he was into writing and all. “Did you go to any school for your writing?”

“No, no. I got into it in 7th grade. It was a great passion of mine. I stopped for a while, but then something bad happened to me and I started up again after that. I found that I had gotten a lot better too.”

I nodded, amazed. I was considering telling him that I was writing as well and that I had a similar story to his.

“Okay, I’m gonna take a walk around. I don’t want our manager (who I did not make up a name for since naming characters are hard for me) to think I’m not doing anything.”

“Okay. Yup, that’s fine.”

Phil takes a lap around our store, and honestly it wasn’t long enough. During this time my mind was rushing everywhere. I know I am not the only one to have their thoughts go wild.

What is his reasoning behind telling me all this? He doesn’t have to tell me. Phil was basically bearing his soul to me. Another human being has never done that before. All his weird intimate life stories and he was sharing with me!

I didn’t even care if he was just being friendly, I was starting to like this guy. I didn’t care that he was divorced and had a hard past with other relationships. He was very likable in this moment.

But I toned down my thoughts. I cannot like him too much! I cannot like him at all. It will be a small one-sided crush. He’s just something good to look at!

Why oh why was this happening to me now! I cannot be having a crush, especially on a co-worker nonetheless!

Phil made his round and came back to my counter.

“You’re back,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said.

“How was it?” I said knowing full well how he felt about his position.

“Oh it was just great,” he said sarcastically. “I have to ask,” he continued, changing the topic, “how long have you known Anna?”

“Which Anna? Do you mean Anna M. or Anna X.?” I asked back. We have so many employees who have the same name…

“Anna X. Short Anna,” Phil patted the air showing how short he meant.

“Ahh. Anna. I’ve known her for a while. She went to school with my younger sister and I’ve seen her around. So it’s been a while.”

“Okay.” Phil said, considering the new information he just received.

“I have to ask something, if it’s not too strange.” Phil said.

“Yeah?” I said back. I could feel something different this time though. This relationship I had going on was just about to change. I should have seen it coming, but I was so side tracked, I didn’t see it till it was too late.

“Do you know how old Anna is and if Anna has a boyfriend?”

 

Of course! Or course, when a boy is nice to me it is for something. But I still smile and answered. “I’ve seen her birthday once, and she is around my age. And I don’t know if she has a boyfriend, sorry.”

“No, no. That’s fine.”

Not much is said after that. Stuff was going on in the store and he went to help out. Soon after I was set free from the jewelry counter, and Anna came to replace me. I still had some time before my lunch break so I was helping around on the floor.

In the active department, I was straightening clothes and Phil comes over.

“Hey. I hate to be that guy. But could you figure out if she has a boyfriend?”

“I can try.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

I go back to my cleaning and he goes back to greeting customers.

I could not believe what just happened…

I was befriended just for information on one of my coworkers. I thought to what he had just told me. He was basically the main character of his story and he was trying to find happiness, but did he really need my help? If he was searching for it, couldn’t he man up and tell the girl himself.

I wasn’t angry or devastated. I would have been if I had liked him from the very beginning. But my feelings were a five minute blind misunderstanding.

I carried on with my job. Even though I was given a mission, I was still at work and while on the clock my job is my first priority.

Later on while going to my lunch break, he finds me on the floor again.

“Would it be obvious if you asked?” he asked me.

“I think so. But I’ll try not to say your name.” I tell him.

“Okay, yeah.”

We part ways and I go to the break room in the back of the store.

But he wasn’t done talking just yet, he came to the room too, after two minutes.

“I was just thinking and I wouldn’t mind if you said my name. We’re all adults. If she doesn’t like me then its fine. She’s pretty cool, I don’t think she would care. She would probably make a joke later. And I’m totally cool with it.”

“Okay. Yeah. I’m surprised you haven’t said it yourself.”

He laughs and agrees.

We part ways again and I settle down for my lunch. Which I could not swallow. I’ve never been in that sort of situation, my body was clamming up. I didn’t care about him, I was freaking out over the fact that I was just used for some guys own pleasure of finding out if a girl was single.

I waited till later on that night to tell Anna. Unsure of how long the conversation would last, I got my recovery for the zone I was responsible for.

After, I went and found her. I knew I would have to break it to her slowly. Let her figure it out before I said the whole thing. Anna was cleaning up purses, a perfect opportunity since it was in the corner of the store and no one was around.

“Hey Anna,” I said going up to her.

“Hey Lucy. What’s up.”

“So, I have something to ask you,” I said, “It’s gonna be really strange.”

She looked over to me, waiting for me to say what I had to say.

“I’m not sure if you have been noticing it already. I’m sure you have. But what do you think of Phil?”

Anna still doesn’t say anything. I’m sure she was trying to figure out what was going on.

“He want’s me to ask you something.” I said, filling the quiet space.

“Stop,” Anna tells me, “Don’t say it.”

I crouch over and lean on a display, “I don’t want to say it either!”

“Don’t say it. I can see where this is going. Don’t say it.”

“Okay. I really don’t want to say it. I really don’t”

“Tell him you forgot.”

“Okay. If that is what you want. I will tell him that. Cause honestly, I would rather be on your side rather than his.”

I was relieved. I know she would be smart enough to figure it out, Girls have an intuition when it comes to boys liking them. There is a difference in the air. A difference in the way a boy acts towards you.

Anna and I are not extremely close, but we are still are on a good standing term. So I knew she would take it well, and I am glad she took it better than thought she would.

Later on I had to tell her that I hoped our relationship would not be awkward after that. But she was cool with it. She could kind of tell that he liked her…

I won’t see Phil until Thursday…

But honestly, I know I am a nice girl, but he kind of asked the wrong girl to do his dirty work…

Going Bald…

There was an idea behind this. I don’t know what, but it was there. The Christmas before I turned 21, I put into my phone of how I wanted to shave off my hair. On my 21st birthday. I had seven months to really think about it, but I knew I was dead set on this goal.

Yet, when it came to my 21st birthday, I didn’t do it. I went out and did the normal twenty-one year old scenario.

A year passed, and still the thought of shaving my head was floating around. But, as it turns out, it was not going to be the year.

But this year came about. I knew if I wanted to go bald, this was the last chance I was going to get. I had to do it while I was young, before I regretted not doing it sooner.

I got over my depression, I was on the path to figuring out who I am. I was happy.

I got the courage to finally let my sisters on the in about my goals.

screenshot-by-nimbus

screenshot-by-nimbus (1)

We came to an agreement of baby steps. And not soon after, I went in to get a pixie cut.

IMG_20140607_150254

I was happy, but still, the lingering thoughts of being bald bothered me.

After my hair grew out, we thought again about a new haircut. This time, I wanted to go shorter,

It was the day before my birthday and I wanted to go all the way this time. But I was pulled back by my sister again. We cut it short but not all the way.

IMG_20140721_130509

Soon after it was like the world was messing with me. My nephew and niece got to the razors and decided to give themselves a haircut. They had to go bald.

I watched the ending of Legend of Korra, and Jinora fulfilled her wishes of becoming a airmaster, getting the chance to go bald,

I was thinking of Doctor Who and remembered that Matt Smith went bald.

So I messaged my sister again.

screenshot-by-nimbus (2)

After three months of talking about it, I was finally going to get my wish. My sister was agreeing to help me out in my goal.

And finally, after two plus years, I got to fulfill one of my life goals.

My before:

IMG_20140906_005547

And, finally, my after…

IMG_20140907_161315

Society tell us girls should have long hair. To be a woman, you have to have a head full of hair. To be pretty and wanted, you have to have a long lock of hair. In my culture, a good girl has long hair.

For me to cut my hair, I am going against all reasons.

There is no beauty on the outside unless there is beauty on the inside.

I love myself regardless of how my hair looks. I will love myself through this experience. ‘Cause I will weed out those who still stick with me even though I look different.

(P.S. I am super happy how it turned out. I love how I look and feel. That’s all that should matter. Run and chase your goals, fight for your happiness.)

 

Update: Summer is Over and School Has Started!

Wow, I had so much more planned for this. My mind definitely works better at night. I was going to go on and on about how my summer went and how school is starting soon.

I can’t believe how fast everything went this year. I was hoping for more. But like always, I’m sucked into doing so much more for others and not enough for me. I need to save up for next summer. I want to do something fun for myself. I say this but it may not even happen. I need to get these next three and a half years done first.

I think the excited thing about college is the classes I am going to take. I cannot wait to learn everything I’m going for.

So I am scared and worried that I maybe going back for no reason. I’m scared that I am wasting money and time on school. But I know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be confident about my life choices.

I want to be a writer, I want to be an editor, I want to start a publishing company, and I want to start a cafe with books in it!

My English major is important to me. Going for business is important, going for philosophy and psychology is important. I want all of this. But summer makes me forget everything.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. It was so hard. With work in the middle of the day, I couldn’t think of writing in the mornings before work and writing after work. I was making excuses of having to get ready, and needing to wind down from all the customers I had to deal with in that day.

But since school has started, I can feel the motivation come back. My progress of writing may still be slow but it will be more frequent than this summer. Trying to juggle work and school is hard, but writing is such a big passion for me. I’m not going to let go of it just like that.

Even if I feel like a lot of people don’t get my goals of wanting to be a writer, I want to show them that I can have this dream and get to the finish line.

 

Hard to be Happy

It is hard to be happy.

I should just stop trying.

But there is a reputation to uphold!

Who the fuck cares about a reputation!

But wait, who am I really doing this for?

Why the hell do I even try to be so nice to everybody for?

Oh yea…

Those people who conceived, birthed, and took care of me till now.

They are the only reason why I am still living at home, why I still act nice to our other family members, the only reason why I haven’t fallen back into my deep hole of depression.

But it is so hard…

When they can’t let go of the past.

When they can’t stop caring about how everybody else views them.

It makes it hard for them to be a happy person.

Thus, making it hard for me to be a happy person.

Life Goal: Going Bald/Buzz Cut

Tonight I feel like going crazy. I’ve been thinking about life goals all day. I want to be bald once in my life. I don’t care if I’ll be judged. I don’t care about all the negativity that will be involved after. I just want to live my life the way I want to.

I’ve been considering it since 2012 and now I can’t stop thinking about it. This choice of mine is making me go crazy.

The only thing I’m seeking now is support.

What would people say.. This short Asian girl. Being Bald…

 

Pros and Cons of Love

There must be something wrong with me. I can’t read about love the same way I did when I was younger. When I was younger I believed the impossible, and now that I’ve aged I still want to believe it, but I find it to be foolish.

I’m currently reading ‘Eleanor and Park’, by Rainbow Rowell. The book mentions how the kids are learning about ‘Romeo and Juliet’ in class. Ever since then, I can’t help but see Eleanor and Park’s love story as another ‘Romeo and Juliet’.

They are starting to fall in love. Such young love.

Was it because my lack of love lines that made me become immune to love stories?

Did I not get enough love when I was younger that I have become ill when love is mentioned?

First love can be such a strong phrase.

I did enjoy ‘The Fault in our Stars’ by John Green. But I don’t think it was the love story that pulled me in. It was the truth in the story of having cancer and overcoming it to have a normal life.

Love does not make me cry the same way it did in the past. Romance does not make me cry like it used to. There is no bubbly excitement anymore..

Maybe it is because I don’t believe in easy love. Is it really that easy to fall in love?

I rather believe in the love were two individuals find themselves love in the random people and fight for that love.

I want them to question that love. And beyond all the reasons against them, for them to still love each other.

I want big arguments that pull out all the hidden feelings. I want little moments of cuddles and light kisses. I want handholding and quiet walks. I want to be held and assured of the others feelings.

Writing love stories is really hard for me. To overcome this I’m going to have to dig deep.

I am starting to see the irony in this writing. Eleanor and Park is what I want in love. Two random people finding love in each other. Now I just have to keep reading to see how they keep that love.

I am extremely jealous of those who can find love. I see people in love with a deep friendship and I want that for myself.

With love, I am a big contradiction. I love ‘love’, and I want to find love. At times I will wish for love desperately. But most of the time I cannot stand it. I want nothing to do with love and I know I will spend the rest of my life alone. I can never choose and at times mention both wanting love and wanting nobody in the same sentence.

It is like now where I sit at school. With an r&b song blasting at one side and a soulful ballad coming across from the other side. I’m here stuck in the middle, indecisive of which song I like more.

So should I open myself up to the kind of love I want or should I stay in my shell of never falling in love?

I don’t know…

Maybe it is all the stories I see around me. All the relationships around me are not perfect but they work. There are times when I see the good in love and times when I see the bad.

Maybe I should stop worrying about all the relationships around me and worry about me. Who cares what other people see in love. I should worry about how I see love.

I want to see the good in love and I should give myself that right. My yearly goal is to never say negative things. I work hard on that and it really has improved my positivity in life. My half-year goal (just made that up right now!) is to fall in love with love again.

 

Deeper Than Just a Body Image

Recently I got my sixth and seventh ear piercings. I know it isn’t real big news, but to me it is. For a Hmong girl who is supposed to be a good girl, it is big.

When I got my first three piercings, other than my first “normal ones”, a lot of people were disappointed in me. At that time I could see why. I was supposed to be the good girl.

I still am a good girl. Compared to all of the other girls my age, I think I am doing pretty well. It’s not like I am out every night with my “gangster friends” (I have one best friend and she is the daughter of a very respected man in our town, she isn’t perfect, but compared to other girls, she is the best of the bunch), I don’t get shit face drunk every weekend, there is no cigarette hanging off my mouth, and I don’t even have a boyfriend.

I’ve come to realize that there is no reason to be disappointed in the way I want my body to look. I am not trying to impress them, I am not trying to impress boys, and I would not go that desperate for attention.

The earrings are there to represent things. Things I have overcome and the goals I have yet to reach. They have a reason and I don’t think I should have to explain them to anyone.

I want people to like me for me. Not for my body or what I do with my body. I want someone to notice how weird I am and still decide to stay by my side.

Honestly, these are not the last piercings I will be doing. I still have goals of at least three to five more. I’m sure more people will be disappointed to hear that I plan on getting tattoos too. (Yeah, they have reasons too.) It won’t change me. It’s not like I will be a different girl at the end of the day.

I will still be Lucy.

 

Another Honest Topic

My family makes me mad. Which is kind of childish but when it deals with my personal life
of happiness than it is a big deal.

This does not have to do with my parents or my siblings. They are a different story which I
have yet to write out.

My aunts, uncles, and cousins. All of them drive me up the wall. The last time all of us
saw each other we all left on a bad note. Everybody went their own ways with no
intentions of fixing things up with the people who they twisted.

I’m not sure how everybody else did after those events but it left me in a dark hole. So
dark I could not see any light. Of course I don’t live that way anymore, but
there is still a veil to reminding me of what passed and can never be healed.

It’s been almost over two years now, which should make the situation better and less
annoying. Time heals and I feel ready for another family reunion where things
can go well. I want it to happen, because despite all the horrible things in
the past, I miss those idiots.

I feel as if even though I try to make progress to overcome my fears there are still those
who are clinging on to the past. Which has become apparent to me after these
past few weeks.

The family in question. I love them to death and truth be told they stuck with me through all
my hard times. I never made them uncomfortable though and made sure they had a
way out when others were being uncontrollable.

At this moment I cannot help but be uncomfortable in the position they are putting me
in. My cousin is getting married, to someone who is not Hmong, so I assume they
will be doing a formal American wedding. I am happy for her and her decisions.

But…

Here it is. The big deal breaker for me. They must need phone numbers to contact family
members to tell them of the news. Plus on top of that, needing addresses to
send out invites.

I can understand. BUT! Do they have to ask me for addresses and phone numbers which
do not belong to me?

Is the internet not right there in the face? Is Facebook not working on their computer? Are my
cousins not able to write a simple letter to the certain people they want to
contact?

Is it so hard to overcome this hate for a happy situation?

I may be putting things out of content. Seriously though…

Why do they have to make it harder than it seems to ask for those things? We are all family
and should accept family requiring that information at times. But get those
information from the person in question themselves and not from someone else.

I seriously had to go and ask the family members myself for their info for my cousin…
Which is what got me mad. Something so simple but they make it so hard and have
to nag me for.

I gave them all the info the first time and they had to lose it. Hence asking me a second
time. Why is it they don’t learn from their mistakes…?

When family ask of me for my own information I give it to them freely. Sure I would wonder
but I give them full confidence to not use it against me.

No more of this. I am done with it. I will continue my silence for my own happiness.

 

What is a Name?

What is a name?

A way to identify oneself? A way for others to identify a certain person?

If that is true, why is it that I do not identify myself as “Lucy” yet?

I hear that name often. I write that name often.

But when I think of myself, that name “Lucy”, does not pop up.

It reminds me on that one time, long ago.

My family and I were watching a Lucille Ball documentary. Throughout the whole film I kept on hearing Lucy, but forgetting that I am also Lucy. I was named after Lucille Ball since my parents loved the show. I even came to love shows and movies she was in too.

Back to the point… Sorry for the random tangents…

What is the point again?

I can’t sleep and I keep thinking of weird things as I try to sleep.

To be truthful I still cannot believe I was given such a beautiful name. Lucy means light.

I will figure out why I was given this name, and give it a good meaning.

I had so much planned out for this, but my mind drifts off quickly. I was going to mention URL names and other identifications, but then Lucille Ball happened… Shows how messy my mind can be at night..